Postcard from Cyprus!

DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR! POST CARD FROM CYPRUS
May 21st 2010- Part ten
Tip of the Day: Do not put wet towels into your suitcase unless you like the smell of festering monkeys!!
Hi I’m back! You’ll be disappointed to learn I didn’t win the competition to suck out a prawn’s head but apart from that major setback I had a fab holiday on the sun-kissed island of Cyprus.
Oh yes while I think of it.... can I give a tiny bit of fashion advice to all men who may be heading for the beach? Long, black, socks, worn with sandals and three quarter length trousers isn’t exactly a great look. It’s marginally better than wearing a pair of Speedos and having a bad case of budgie-smuggling, but only just!
On the outward journey there were no films to watch on the plane, as the T.V. screens were having technical problems, so I had to resort to my favourite hobby of people watching. In particular one man caught my eye. He seemed to spend the entire flight going to the loo. Yes he could have had travel sickness I suppose, or some dreadful ailment but I suspected different, he must have been attempting the mile high club (on his own)!! I’m not really sure of the rules, as I’m not a member. Is it really necessary to have a partner with you, or can you go it alone?
The hotel I stayed in was one of those new-fangled places that concentrate on your five senses. Firstly beautiful areas to look at, lovely smells wafting around the corridors and rooms, relaxing music (weird panpipes actually), scrummy food to devour and lastly touch, I guess it was the soft cotton sheets and Egyptian cotton towels but I could leave that to your imagination! In theory it’s a great idea but in practise it was more like a glorified nursing home, with spasmodic spurts of entertainment concerning a guy with a large saxophone! Shocking? You bet it was!! I could have had an excellent time with the opposite sex had I been into ‘coffin dodgers’ but I prefer a man to at least have a steady pulse. The major excitement of the daytime was, having to share the swimming pool with a rather bandy-legged creature (a huge menacing frog). I carried out a mini survey while I was holidaying in Cyprus and it appears that nearly everyone is called Stavros.......except for the women of course! There were no sightings of my stalker to report. Very odd I must say..........although in hindsight there was a suspiciously odd ‘girl’ tagging on to the end of a hen party. She was rather tall and had floppy hair.........no it couldn’t have been Mr. G could it? Still I enjoyed the break, and I am as relaxed as a concussed crustacean.
Update on my screenplay at the BBC- nothing to report!
Update on my deranged friends: A diabolical plan was afoot, set up by the London Underground to stop Chris and Zoe from getting to their X- Factor auditions. Simon Cowell doesn’t know how close he came to being abducted by Zoe and her ‘fairy cakes’. No trains, no auditions for them! Damn, fate was up to her fiendish tricks again!
Readers don’t feel too down for Chris and Zoe, there is always something exciting to look forward to. You’ll never guess..........Where manic Michelle lives (you know the friend who denies the pirate fetish) there is going to be a ‘Ferret Racing Night’. How great is that? I’m not exactly sure whether you have to take your own ferret or just bet on someone else’s. There is a hot meal included, furry mammal in a basket with a side order of chips, I hope! A licensed bar completes the fun so by the time the racing starts we won’t care anyway!! Isn’t English country life wonderful? I am very tempted to forsake old London town and move to the sticks immediately!
WARNING!!
Anyone of a nervous disposition, pregnant, or with back trouble; or anyone who simply has a love of pure Jane Austen, please be advised not to read my next blog. Pride and Prejudice- Take two, my version is coming to a screen near you, soon.
P.D. Scott. xx