DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
August 28th 2010-Part seventeen
I must start this blog by writing a retraction! In a few of my past blogs I may have led you to believe that manic Michelle has an ongoing fetish for pirates! I must admit I may have embellished the truth slightly. Michelle does not have pirate barbeques, nor does she have fortnightly pirate meetings. She does not have a yearly trip to Majorca to watch the ‘Pirates’ show. Nor does she walk about her village with pirate clothes on......that would just be weird. Michelle is not going away this weekend to another pirate convention (she is). There I think I have wriggled out of that quite well!
News flash! The B.B.C. sent me a rejection letter last week, worded exactly the same as the previous one concerning my screenplay. I’m not down about it, but it would have been an absolute hoot if they’d accepted it this time under another title. I have already posted it away again to another company (Channel 4 television). I’m very upbeat about everything and have taken it unusually well. You don’t think I could be getting used to being rejected do you? I suppose it depends what time of the month I receive the rejection letter (if you get my meaning).
I haven’t heard anything from the Short Story Competition yet, I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. The entries were due in on the 21st of August, the winner receives a net book and their story will be published on the website. Even if I don’t win, it has been an experience and I will let you know if a miracle does happen.
Now from literary news, we move to my neighbourhood gossip. My good friend Sara, but we’ll call her ‘Liz’ for the sake of her anonymity, took her son to the doctor’s with a urine sample, as he wasn’t his usual cheeky self. When it was time to phone the doctor for the results, she asked if she could make the call from my house, in case it was bad news. I didn’t mind at all, and sat next to her with a box of tissues and my shoulder to cry on if need be. She looked relieved as she put the handset down. Apparently all it needed was a course of antibiotics because ‘Liz’ explained that her little boy had traces of orgasms in his urine. I was shocked to say the least as he was only 3, but later found out what she meant to say was organisms. Dear ‘Liz’ (not Sara) has her own vocabulary for everything and makes me howl with laughter!
I told you in the last blog, how I had a mammoth clear out to rid myself of some hideous clothes. I decided it was high time I treated myself to some new underwear. You never know when you’ll be called upon to flash your knickers, so it is important to have a few new vibrant pairs at the ready. My mum told me to make sure you always had nice underwear on, in case of accidents! It’s quite amusing really, as I don’t suppose the doctors are really that bothered if you have a nice matching bra and pants set on when you are being wheeled into the emergency room at the local hospital! The burning question is do I buy lovely coloured ‘Bolster Holders’? Or do I buy ‘virginal white’ which soon turns to ‘chewing gum grey’? I don’t know why the manufacturers don’t make them grey to start with and just be done with it!
So now my wardrobe is in order I am going to attack my bedroom. Out with the satin duvet covers and fitted sheets. They look very seductive and alluring if you are having someone special to ‘stay over’ but it’s a devil of a job to keep yourself secure in bed. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to retrieve my pillow from the floor in the middle of the night. I will keep the pillow cases though, because satin is excellent to stop you waking up with mega-deep furrows on your face (not the best look). I also need to buy a headboard so I won’t get so many scratch marks up the wallpaper. The least said about that the better........
My unusual and sordid catalogue has arrived once more from Amsterdam (see part 16). This time they’ve sent me a complimentary D.V.D to view at my leisure. I’m honestly not a prude but goodness me I will find it difficult to ever look at, or eat, an onion ring again. How the devil they film some of the angles I’ll never know! Chris, (my deranged friend) is convinced that my Christmas card catalogue has diversified into smut...........I don’t think so! I have to be very careful when I put the shredded catalogues into the recycling bag. I don’t know what the neighbours would think if they saw buxom, naked, ladies blowing up and down the road! It could be worse I suppose, they could send a rep round to show me his wares!
I forgot to tell you about my new follower on Twitter. You’ll never guess. I’m being followed by P.D. Scott! Yes that’s right, I had a direct message from P.D. telling me he had received a few messages that were meant for me. He is male, I’m not! He lives in Ireland, I don’t! He doesn’t fancy Colin Firth although he knows where I’m coming from, ha-ha. So if you want to follow my inane tweets on Twitter it is pdscott_ (remember to add the little line) or if you want to follow the other person, leave the line out. As Alexander the meerkat would say *SIMPLES!*
Bye for now.
P.D. Scott
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Thursday, 12 August 2010
More mad rantings!
DIARY OF AFRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
August 12th 2010-Part sixteen
Why oh why, can’t I just once wake up without looking as if I have been spewed from the bowels of hell? If I were a Hollywood Superstar I would rise from my bed with full make-up and not a hair out of place. As it is, I look like a migrating Yak (a very stylish and chic one of course). I figure I wasn’t put on this earth to be a Siren or sex-goddess. I suppose I’m more of a ‘girl next door’ type, but if you lived next door to me no doubt you would put your house on the market instantly!
I have been on a mission since I wrote the last blog. I have made a drastic decision to change myself, starting with my sinister belongings. A sophisticated, chic woman would not have a plastic penis with eyes, hanging from her kitchen cupboard, so that was first to go! Next I rooted through my extremely sad C.D. collection. Oh my! I’m not even going to admit to some of the outrageous monsters that were lurking in the rack. Then it was on to my wardrobe. Any item of apparel that hadn’t been worn since the old king was on the throne or didn’t fit over my bulging curves was thrown into a black sack. I took time to colour code my clothes, so I could see at a glance what elegant piece would match another. I bet you think I have too much time on my hands...........you could be right! What on earth the local charity shop will make of all my gifts heaven only knows. I will be checking daily to see if my plastic penis key ring is displayed proudly in the window. Suggest it won’t be. I feel much better for ridding myself of all the abominable clutter. I am cleansed of everything mischievous and corrupt, which must make me grown-up and polished now, mustn’t it? Must put the house up for sale immediately and buy a more stylish abode in Chiswick! Then book in for a charisma and head transplant, then I’ll be sorted!
Every 6 weeks or so, the postman delivers a rather dubious catalogue to me. It is full of unsavoury and unusual items! How can I write this without causing offence? Right I’ll come straight out and say it – SEX TOYS! How they got my name and address I’ll never know, it’s not as if I’ve ever purchased a ‘battery powered appliance’ from them. Wait a minute I don’t think I ordered my pink, fluffy handcuffs from them! O.K. let’s move on..........
For the moment, I’ve given my novel a rest because I suddenly had a mega inspiration for a new screenplay. No sexy psychologist this time for Colin Firth to play, but there is another part he could portray if things are desperate for him! I am very excited about the play which helps my creative juices to keep flowing. I’ve also just completed writing a short story for a competition......it’s all go you know! I hardly have time to blow my nose these days.
I’m having a dilemma concerning a neighbour! Her house backs onto mine, with our gardens separating us. Every time she has a shower, the entire world can see her bits and bobs through her window, even though her bathroom window is frosted. If I knew her it wouldn’t be a problem, I would simply go round to her house and let her know that she is giving the neighbours a free show every time she does her ablutions! But as I have never uttered a single word to her it seems wrong to knock on her door and tell her the news! Perhaps I should write an anonymous letter and post it through her door but that seems slightly cowardly. I wish I was a nicer person and then I would do the right thing! I’ve just thought! Maybe the woman is an exhibitionist and enjoys shaking her ample body for everyone to see. Oh well, I’ll let sleeping dogs lie then.
Talking about neighbours, the couple next door have just adopted a 3yr old little girl. Once their house was a quiet, incomplete dwelling but through the thin walls I can hear the laughter and contentment of a happy family playing. Perfect! No I am not feeling broody, honest.
Right I’m off to find something diabolical to do now.
Byeeeeeee!
P.D. Scott xx
August 12th 2010-Part sixteen
Why oh why, can’t I just once wake up without looking as if I have been spewed from the bowels of hell? If I were a Hollywood Superstar I would rise from my bed with full make-up and not a hair out of place. As it is, I look like a migrating Yak (a very stylish and chic one of course). I figure I wasn’t put on this earth to be a Siren or sex-goddess. I suppose I’m more of a ‘girl next door’ type, but if you lived next door to me no doubt you would put your house on the market instantly!
I have been on a mission since I wrote the last blog. I have made a drastic decision to change myself, starting with my sinister belongings. A sophisticated, chic woman would not have a plastic penis with eyes, hanging from her kitchen cupboard, so that was first to go! Next I rooted through my extremely sad C.D. collection. Oh my! I’m not even going to admit to some of the outrageous monsters that were lurking in the rack. Then it was on to my wardrobe. Any item of apparel that hadn’t been worn since the old king was on the throne or didn’t fit over my bulging curves was thrown into a black sack. I took time to colour code my clothes, so I could see at a glance what elegant piece would match another. I bet you think I have too much time on my hands...........you could be right! What on earth the local charity shop will make of all my gifts heaven only knows. I will be checking daily to see if my plastic penis key ring is displayed proudly in the window. Suggest it won’t be. I feel much better for ridding myself of all the abominable clutter. I am cleansed of everything mischievous and corrupt, which must make me grown-up and polished now, mustn’t it? Must put the house up for sale immediately and buy a more stylish abode in Chiswick! Then book in for a charisma and head transplant, then I’ll be sorted!
Every 6 weeks or so, the postman delivers a rather dubious catalogue to me. It is full of unsavoury and unusual items! How can I write this without causing offence? Right I’ll come straight out and say it – SEX TOYS! How they got my name and address I’ll never know, it’s not as if I’ve ever purchased a ‘battery powered appliance’ from them. Wait a minute I don’t think I ordered my pink, fluffy handcuffs from them! O.K. let’s move on..........
For the moment, I’ve given my novel a rest because I suddenly had a mega inspiration for a new screenplay. No sexy psychologist this time for Colin Firth to play, but there is another part he could portray if things are desperate for him! I am very excited about the play which helps my creative juices to keep flowing. I’ve also just completed writing a short story for a competition......it’s all go you know! I hardly have time to blow my nose these days.
I’m having a dilemma concerning a neighbour! Her house backs onto mine, with our gardens separating us. Every time she has a shower, the entire world can see her bits and bobs through her window, even though her bathroom window is frosted. If I knew her it wouldn’t be a problem, I would simply go round to her house and let her know that she is giving the neighbours a free show every time she does her ablutions! But as I have never uttered a single word to her it seems wrong to knock on her door and tell her the news! Perhaps I should write an anonymous letter and post it through her door but that seems slightly cowardly. I wish I was a nicer person and then I would do the right thing! I’ve just thought! Maybe the woman is an exhibitionist and enjoys shaking her ample body for everyone to see. Oh well, I’ll let sleeping dogs lie then.
Talking about neighbours, the couple next door have just adopted a 3yr old little girl. Once their house was a quiet, incomplete dwelling but through the thin walls I can hear the laughter and contentment of a happy family playing. Perfect! No I am not feeling broody, honest.
Right I’m off to find something diabolical to do now.
Byeeeeeee!
P.D. Scott xx
Thursday, 29 July 2010
DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
July 30th 2010- Part fifteen
Tip of the day- Do not over use exclamation marks....nothing is that exciting!!!!!!!!!
I’ve decided to come clean about my cunning plan concerning the B.B.C. If you remember I was devastated at having received a rejection letter from them, saying they had read the first ten pages of my screen play but as they were so busy they weren’t going to take it any further. Well, I was discussing it with the deranged pair (Chris and Zoe) and they said I should send it in again. They seemed to think that if the readers were so busy they probably wouldn’t remember my script. Chris and Zoe were only joking, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. So I did a really cheeky thing. I printed off another page complete with a new title, accompanied it with a different letter containing a slightly different synopsis and without delay sent it to them again. A week later I had a card saying that my script was in the writers room waiting to be read and I would hear in a couple of months. How amusing would it be, if this time the same screenplay got through? I am a naughty minx! Failing this naughtiness, I have four more addresses to send my script to, including Channel 4 Television and Talkback Thames Production. I will not be beaten!! (Yet)
I had a very bad start to the week. My neighbour came knocking at my door looking slightly miffed. He explained that my darling bamboo had escaped from my garden and had turned up in the middle of his lawn. Crikey, I was dumbfounded, I knew it was over zealous in my garden but I hadn’t guessed it would go and visit the neighbours! After much debating, I agreed I would dig it up and put something nasty on the roots to stop it taking over the world. Life would have been so much simpler had I put in something normal.....like a rose bush!
Each year I spend a lot of the summer going to barbeques, which is astounding really considering the English weather. The last one was hosted by (deranged friends) Chris and Zoe. For three years they both worked abroad as holiday reps. Last year they lived in Cancun, Mexico (yes through all the swine flu). Anyway I’m digressing, Chris made this ‘thing’ (side dish) called ceviche. It’s a Mexican seafood dish containing prawns, coriander, red onions, lime juice etc. It was so refreshing and I was so impressed......watch out Chef Ramsay! I spent the afternoon grappling with Zoe....trying to get the wine away from her! It’s sad how Zoe has a major problem sharing alcohol.......naughty whippersnapper!!! It’s when she’s indulging in wine that she starts to do ‘peculiar’ things. I guess we shouldn’t go there as this blog is not X-rated. That’s an idea. Blogs to be read after the watershed! I like it!!! Could Blogspot ban me from that, I wonder? I could call it ‘The Exploits of a Sex Fiend from the Suburbs!’ Or ‘Mr Darcy- Gentleman or Sex Pervert?’ Oh dear, I can hear Jane Austen spinning in her grave.
I recently read from somewhere on the internet that if in doubt when you are writing a screenplay put in a funny sex scene. I suppose it applies to books as well. I’m going with that theory anyway. So far my new book consists of around 7 funny sex scenes. Too much do you think? Probably!
You’ll all be disappointed to learn that Mr Darcy (the fox) has deserted my road. He has obviously had a better offer. No doubt in a neighbourhood known to have classier rubbish for him to rummage in, caviar or truffles for example. Mr Darcy is a scoundrel and a cad and must be expelled from polite society this instance!
What a disaster! Yesterday, I plunged myself into my rather full, bubble bath, which caused a mini Tsunami. A dangerous amount of water seeped down into the kitchen via the ceiling, perilously close to the electric spotlights. Obviously it wasn’t my time to meet my maker! Relief!! Must remember not to overfill bath in future, or take Colin Firth in to bathe with me....will have to stick with rubber duck (not so much fun).
See you later.
P.D. Scott xx
July 30th 2010- Part fifteen
Tip of the day- Do not over use exclamation marks....nothing is that exciting!!!!!!!!!
I’ve decided to come clean about my cunning plan concerning the B.B.C. If you remember I was devastated at having received a rejection letter from them, saying they had read the first ten pages of my screen play but as they were so busy they weren’t going to take it any further. Well, I was discussing it with the deranged pair (Chris and Zoe) and they said I should send it in again. They seemed to think that if the readers were so busy they probably wouldn’t remember my script. Chris and Zoe were only joking, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. So I did a really cheeky thing. I printed off another page complete with a new title, accompanied it with a different letter containing a slightly different synopsis and without delay sent it to them again. A week later I had a card saying that my script was in the writers room waiting to be read and I would hear in a couple of months. How amusing would it be, if this time the same screenplay got through? I am a naughty minx! Failing this naughtiness, I have four more addresses to send my script to, including Channel 4 Television and Talkback Thames Production. I will not be beaten!! (Yet)
I had a very bad start to the week. My neighbour came knocking at my door looking slightly miffed. He explained that my darling bamboo had escaped from my garden and had turned up in the middle of his lawn. Crikey, I was dumbfounded, I knew it was over zealous in my garden but I hadn’t guessed it would go and visit the neighbours! After much debating, I agreed I would dig it up and put something nasty on the roots to stop it taking over the world. Life would have been so much simpler had I put in something normal.....like a rose bush!
Each year I spend a lot of the summer going to barbeques, which is astounding really considering the English weather. The last one was hosted by (deranged friends) Chris and Zoe. For three years they both worked abroad as holiday reps. Last year they lived in Cancun, Mexico (yes through all the swine flu). Anyway I’m digressing, Chris made this ‘thing’ (side dish) called ceviche. It’s a Mexican seafood dish containing prawns, coriander, red onions, lime juice etc. It was so refreshing and I was so impressed......watch out Chef Ramsay! I spent the afternoon grappling with Zoe....trying to get the wine away from her! It’s sad how Zoe has a major problem sharing alcohol.......naughty whippersnapper!!! It’s when she’s indulging in wine that she starts to do ‘peculiar’ things. I guess we shouldn’t go there as this blog is not X-rated. That’s an idea. Blogs to be read after the watershed! I like it!!! Could Blogspot ban me from that, I wonder? I could call it ‘The Exploits of a Sex Fiend from the Suburbs!’ Or ‘Mr Darcy- Gentleman or Sex Pervert?’ Oh dear, I can hear Jane Austen spinning in her grave.
I recently read from somewhere on the internet that if in doubt when you are writing a screenplay put in a funny sex scene. I suppose it applies to books as well. I’m going with that theory anyway. So far my new book consists of around 7 funny sex scenes. Too much do you think? Probably!
You’ll all be disappointed to learn that Mr Darcy (the fox) has deserted my road. He has obviously had a better offer. No doubt in a neighbourhood known to have classier rubbish for him to rummage in, caviar or truffles for example. Mr Darcy is a scoundrel and a cad and must be expelled from polite society this instance!
What a disaster! Yesterday, I plunged myself into my rather full, bubble bath, which caused a mini Tsunami. A dangerous amount of water seeped down into the kitchen via the ceiling, perilously close to the electric spotlights. Obviously it wasn’t my time to meet my maker! Relief!! Must remember not to overfill bath in future, or take Colin Firth in to bathe with me....will have to stick with rubber duck (not so much fun).
See you later.
P.D. Scott xx
Thursday, 15 July 2010
DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
July 16th 2010- Part fourteen
I start this blog with a little tinge of green on my skin....................No it isn’t war paint or a new tattoo of the ‘Incredible Hulk’, it is something called envy or maybe jealousy. I keep reading various articles about ‘Z’ list celebrities bringing out novels or autobiographies. I suppose that’s my problem...........no one will take a chance on me because I am a nonentity. The answer is clear I have to do something so outrageous that I couldn’t possibly go under the radar! But I have a dilemma you see, I’m the sort of person who hates to fail at things and sometimes that even stops me from trying, but I mustn’t stop now! No publicity is bad publicity, so I have to think of something rebellious and shocking to do! Umm, a porn star perhaps...............no it would be too much for my nun-like existence. Get caught doing something ‘unusual’ in Colin Firth’s back garden! Not sure about this one......I wouldn’t like to frighten his family. Chain and handcuff myself, to literary agents’ railings until my books get published..........good idea.............I like it! I quite fancy myself as Emmeline Pankhurst of the suffragette movement! Plus handcuffs in every situation are an absolute must!! Maybe the least said about my exploits with handcuffs the better!!!!
Manic Michelle (the pirate lover, who denies it a little too often) invited me over for a barbeque. I was surprised at the amount of unsavoury pirate sorts that were there, swigging the rum! One particularly interesting character was Ralph, well he said his name was Ralph but I suspected it may have been a cover up. His real name could have been Bluebeard for all I know. The jigging in the rigging type of dancing went down well with everyone. You can’t beat a sailor’s hornpipe to set the party in motion can you? I have no idea what makes pirates so fascinating to Michelle but the theme carries on! The day was lovely, got lots of ideas to put in my blogs, or books, mainly about the colourful characters...........of course I will change their names to protect the innocent!
The first half of the summer has been crammed full of sports, comprising mostly of tennis, and football, dotted with the occasional Ferret race of course. I have enjoyed the tennis, and as for the football............I’ve enjoyed the tennis. I’m sorry but I can’t get excited over men and their balls!!
My house smells unusually nice today. I have picked loads of English Lavender from my garden and placed it in vases around the house. It’s nicer than the normal aroma of the cat’s litter tray, I can assure you! My fluff ball of a feline must be the only cat that comes in from the garden to take a piddle. What a marvellous mental image you must have of my house.
It was a big mistake not to try out the new colour in my favourite make-up range before I purchased it from the shop. I simply applied the foundation and left the house, only to be informed by a number of now ex-friends that I resembled a Geisha girl. I am guessing it was a shade or two too light, white to be precise! It could have started a new trend I suppose, but I binned it anyway!
When Chris and Zoe (the deranged pair) moved to their enchanted flat, Chris left me with his set of weights. So I decided to get fit and banish my bingo wings. I took them into the empty, small bedroom.....loads of room to exercise and spread out. There used to be a futon in the room but it’s disappeared. Yes I know it’s careless to lose a futon, but I have a sneaky suspicion Zoe ran off with it! Anyway there I was leaping about to the dulcet tones of Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel like a demented Gazelle. Singing or should I say howling along to the song, whilst lifting the small sized weights up and down. I suddenly realised I was being watched by someone (no, not Hugh Grant). My window cleaner was looking at me and laughing his head off at my performance, trying his best not to fall from his ladder. I am blushing now, as I remember! It could have been worse I could have been prancing around in my underwear I suppose, but luckily I had my shorts and vest top on. He sent his helper to my front door to get the money. I can’t stand this guy...... he undresses you with his eyes..... he is nothing short of a sleaze bucket! I’m not usually hostile, but he has the kind of face you just want to slap. That was the first and last day of my fitness regime, and the last time I had the windows cleaned by the gruesome twosome.
Next blog I will spill the beans about the screen play! Ha-ha!!
Take care ‘til next time.
P.D. Scott xx
July 16th 2010- Part fourteen
I start this blog with a little tinge of green on my skin....................No it isn’t war paint or a new tattoo of the ‘Incredible Hulk’, it is something called envy or maybe jealousy. I keep reading various articles about ‘Z’ list celebrities bringing out novels or autobiographies. I suppose that’s my problem...........no one will take a chance on me because I am a nonentity. The answer is clear I have to do something so outrageous that I couldn’t possibly go under the radar! But I have a dilemma you see, I’m the sort of person who hates to fail at things and sometimes that even stops me from trying, but I mustn’t stop now! No publicity is bad publicity, so I have to think of something rebellious and shocking to do! Umm, a porn star perhaps...............no it would be too much for my nun-like existence. Get caught doing something ‘unusual’ in Colin Firth’s back garden! Not sure about this one......I wouldn’t like to frighten his family. Chain and handcuff myself, to literary agents’ railings until my books get published..........good idea.............I like it! I quite fancy myself as Emmeline Pankhurst of the suffragette movement! Plus handcuffs in every situation are an absolute must!! Maybe the least said about my exploits with handcuffs the better!!!!
Manic Michelle (the pirate lover, who denies it a little too often) invited me over for a barbeque. I was surprised at the amount of unsavoury pirate sorts that were there, swigging the rum! One particularly interesting character was Ralph, well he said his name was Ralph but I suspected it may have been a cover up. His real name could have been Bluebeard for all I know. The jigging in the rigging type of dancing went down well with everyone. You can’t beat a sailor’s hornpipe to set the party in motion can you? I have no idea what makes pirates so fascinating to Michelle but the theme carries on! The day was lovely, got lots of ideas to put in my blogs, or books, mainly about the colourful characters...........of course I will change their names to protect the innocent!
The first half of the summer has been crammed full of sports, comprising mostly of tennis, and football, dotted with the occasional Ferret race of course. I have enjoyed the tennis, and as for the football............I’ve enjoyed the tennis. I’m sorry but I can’t get excited over men and their balls!!
My house smells unusually nice today. I have picked loads of English Lavender from my garden and placed it in vases around the house. It’s nicer than the normal aroma of the cat’s litter tray, I can assure you! My fluff ball of a feline must be the only cat that comes in from the garden to take a piddle. What a marvellous mental image you must have of my house.
It was a big mistake not to try out the new colour in my favourite make-up range before I purchased it from the shop. I simply applied the foundation and left the house, only to be informed by a number of now ex-friends that I resembled a Geisha girl. I am guessing it was a shade or two too light, white to be precise! It could have started a new trend I suppose, but I binned it anyway!
When Chris and Zoe (the deranged pair) moved to their enchanted flat, Chris left me with his set of weights. So I decided to get fit and banish my bingo wings. I took them into the empty, small bedroom.....loads of room to exercise and spread out. There used to be a futon in the room but it’s disappeared. Yes I know it’s careless to lose a futon, but I have a sneaky suspicion Zoe ran off with it! Anyway there I was leaping about to the dulcet tones of Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel like a demented Gazelle. Singing or should I say howling along to the song, whilst lifting the small sized weights up and down. I suddenly realised I was being watched by someone (no, not Hugh Grant). My window cleaner was looking at me and laughing his head off at my performance, trying his best not to fall from his ladder. I am blushing now, as I remember! It could have been worse I could have been prancing around in my underwear I suppose, but luckily I had my shorts and vest top on. He sent his helper to my front door to get the money. I can’t stand this guy...... he undresses you with his eyes..... he is nothing short of a sleaze bucket! I’m not usually hostile, but he has the kind of face you just want to slap. That was the first and last day of my fitness regime, and the last time I had the windows cleaned by the gruesome twosome.
Next blog I will spill the beans about the screen play! Ha-ha!!
Take care ‘til next time.
P.D. Scott xx
Thursday, 1 July 2010
More mad ranting!
DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
July 2nd 2010- Part thirteen
After the negative feelings I’ve had since I received my rejection letter from the B.B.C., I took a few days to nurse my bruised ego with the help of vast amounts of chocolate. I then dusted myself down and bounced back up again! You can’t keep a good girl down for long and there’s no dignity in moping around! Two quotes put everything back into perspective. The first was from Henry Ford “The way to succeed is to double your failure rate.” The second was from Mary Kay Ash saying “Sandwich every bit of criticism between two layers of praise.” I’m not after world domination......I just want someone to take a chance on me and publish my books. I expect poor Colin Firth is devastated too, about my screenplay not coming to fruition! He must be chomping at the bit to play the sexy psychologist. I have put my cunning plan into action (see last blog). I don’t think I’ll admit what I’m up to yet, in case someone in the know gets wind of it, but I will tell you if and when I can...............ha-ha, I can’t help giggling inside.
Move over Nigella Lawson....I am now a domestic goddess of unrivalled cleverness! No I don’t mean in the culinary fashion......my spicy meatballs are still revolting! They turn out as a spicy meat mess, not a ball in sight, actually! My creative genius is in the form of home-making. I have made a pair of curtains for Colin Firth’s room, when he finally moves in. Wow, how clever am I? It doesn’t matter that they are both different lengths does it? It is a fashion statement (it’s my story and I’m sticking to it). They look good when they’re open!
I have another rant coming on! What is it about the latest trend to wear your pyjamas to the supermarket? What’s that all about? Surely your night clothes are meant to be worn to bed (if Colin Firth’s not popping round for a sleep over). Or for simply, reclining on the sofa for a duvet day. Zoe, I know you’re my friend (deranged or not) but please take note, do not go to the shops in your P.J.’s to try to entice unsuspecting men back to your flat!! Rant over!
In the Royal British Legion near to where I live, there is a ‘Ladies Night’ coming up. I am being encouraged to go along and shake off my innocence. To be quite frank, naked firemen pointing their hoses and naked policeman waving their truncheons leaves me quite unmoved. I can assure you that if Colin Firth was on the stage showing off his rippling muscles and shaking his bits, I’d be in the front row!! So I will not be attending, in case I turn into a woman of easy virtue!
Every evening at precisely ten o’clock a fox comes visiting my road. It’s as if he has a very accurate time piece on his wrist. Do foxes have wrists? Even though there have been many documented reports on fox attacks on young children and small animals, I can’t help looking forward to his visits. I’ve named him ‘Mr Darcy’, as he’s quite dark, slim and saunters proudly down the road.........although I don’t think the human Mr Darcy would rip open rubbish sacks to find things to scavenge on, or like the fox leave little presents on the drive (poo)!!
Last Friday I ventured to the seaside with Captain Haddock. For any new readers to my blogs, Capt. Haddock is a car, not an unscrupulous, one legged pirate with a parrot on his shoulder! The weather was beautiful and I got my belly burnt (forgot the sun cream).Unfortunately the day was slightly marred by a terrifying experience! I got ambushed by a gang of evil seagulls........they waited until I was sitting comfortably and then about 6 million of them came after me. It was like a scene from Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’..............very scary! I suppose it will teach me not to have fish & chips on the beach.
Talking of scary things, my stalker (H.G. of Oxfordshire) has been absent of late. Has he finally got the message, I wonder? Oh no, he couldn’t be the phantom knicker, nicker could he? (See last blog) Odd things are once again afoot in the neighbourhood.
Please do not hurl heavy objects at your screen but I have made my first Christmas purchase of the year. I know I am a bit previous but before you ridicule me just think, I will have the last laugh when everyone else is scurrying about the shops on Christmas Eve while I will be reclining with my feet up!
I will tell you of any news in my next blog............ take care people!
That’s all folks!!
P.D. Scott xx
July 2nd 2010- Part thirteen
After the negative feelings I’ve had since I received my rejection letter from the B.B.C., I took a few days to nurse my bruised ego with the help of vast amounts of chocolate. I then dusted myself down and bounced back up again! You can’t keep a good girl down for long and there’s no dignity in moping around! Two quotes put everything back into perspective. The first was from Henry Ford “The way to succeed is to double your failure rate.” The second was from Mary Kay Ash saying “Sandwich every bit of criticism between two layers of praise.” I’m not after world domination......I just want someone to take a chance on me and publish my books. I expect poor Colin Firth is devastated too, about my screenplay not coming to fruition! He must be chomping at the bit to play the sexy psychologist. I have put my cunning plan into action (see last blog). I don’t think I’ll admit what I’m up to yet, in case someone in the know gets wind of it, but I will tell you if and when I can...............ha-ha, I can’t help giggling inside.
Move over Nigella Lawson....I am now a domestic goddess of unrivalled cleverness! No I don’t mean in the culinary fashion......my spicy meatballs are still revolting! They turn out as a spicy meat mess, not a ball in sight, actually! My creative genius is in the form of home-making. I have made a pair of curtains for Colin Firth’s room, when he finally moves in. Wow, how clever am I? It doesn’t matter that they are both different lengths does it? It is a fashion statement (it’s my story and I’m sticking to it). They look good when they’re open!
I have another rant coming on! What is it about the latest trend to wear your pyjamas to the supermarket? What’s that all about? Surely your night clothes are meant to be worn to bed (if Colin Firth’s not popping round for a sleep over). Or for simply, reclining on the sofa for a duvet day. Zoe, I know you’re my friend (deranged or not) but please take note, do not go to the shops in your P.J.’s to try to entice unsuspecting men back to your flat!! Rant over!
In the Royal British Legion near to where I live, there is a ‘Ladies Night’ coming up. I am being encouraged to go along and shake off my innocence. To be quite frank, naked firemen pointing their hoses and naked policeman waving their truncheons leaves me quite unmoved. I can assure you that if Colin Firth was on the stage showing off his rippling muscles and shaking his bits, I’d be in the front row!! So I will not be attending, in case I turn into a woman of easy virtue!
Every evening at precisely ten o’clock a fox comes visiting my road. It’s as if he has a very accurate time piece on his wrist. Do foxes have wrists? Even though there have been many documented reports on fox attacks on young children and small animals, I can’t help looking forward to his visits. I’ve named him ‘Mr Darcy’, as he’s quite dark, slim and saunters proudly down the road.........although I don’t think the human Mr Darcy would rip open rubbish sacks to find things to scavenge on, or like the fox leave little presents on the drive (poo)!!
Last Friday I ventured to the seaside with Captain Haddock. For any new readers to my blogs, Capt. Haddock is a car, not an unscrupulous, one legged pirate with a parrot on his shoulder! The weather was beautiful and I got my belly burnt (forgot the sun cream).Unfortunately the day was slightly marred by a terrifying experience! I got ambushed by a gang of evil seagulls........they waited until I was sitting comfortably and then about 6 million of them came after me. It was like a scene from Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’..............very scary! I suppose it will teach me not to have fish & chips on the beach.
Talking of scary things, my stalker (H.G. of Oxfordshire) has been absent of late. Has he finally got the message, I wonder? Oh no, he couldn’t be the phantom knicker, nicker could he? (See last blog) Odd things are once again afoot in the neighbourhood.
Please do not hurl heavy objects at your screen but I have made my first Christmas purchase of the year. I know I am a bit previous but before you ridicule me just think, I will have the last laugh when everyone else is scurrying about the shops on Christmas Eve while I will be reclining with my feet up!
I will tell you of any news in my next blog............ take care people!
That’s all folks!!
P.D. Scott xx
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Back to reality- Part twelve
DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
June 18th 2010- Part twelve
Firstly I would like to say a big thank you for all the positive remarks you sent me about my version of Pride & Prejudice. It was very kind of you ........it was a bit bonkers really, wasn’t it? The next and final instalment is in December, will Mr Firth and Miss Scott get together? Find out in ‘Christmas at Pemberley’.
The suntan has virtually faded away......... my diet is back on track, not helped by the arrival of an old fashioned sweet shop in the local town. There is only one possible answer to beat the post-holiday blues. So what is it? Book another holiday of course!! I have booked a week away for September. It was a choice between two places really, Menorca or Fuerteventura .Last time I stayed on the Canary Island of Fuerteventura, despite the lovely hotel and idyllic setting there was a major shock to my delicate disposition! I got talking to this pleasant enough man (he had the look of Popeye the sailor man, actually). He appeared harmless and a perfectly, respectable guy. Every morning he took his towel and headed down to the beach and foolishly I decided to join him. When I got my toes in the warm, talcum powder sand I was shocked at the sight around me. Oh my goodness Popeye was stark naked!!!! As much as I tried not to, I couldn’t seem to drag my eyes away from his meat and two veg.......it was mesmerising, for all the wrong reasons!! When I finally looked away I noticed almost everyone else on the beach happened to be naked too! My blasted Travel Agent hadn’t informed me I had booked into a resort known and loved to naturists......it was an extremely harrowing experience. I had two choices I could either, strip off and lay next to Popeye or else I could scamper back to the security of the hotel! Well of course I didn’t strip off........ I’ve had a very sheltered upbringing you know! I also admit to giving Popeye a wide berth for the rest of the holiday! So this time I will be returning to an old haunt on the Balearic island of Menorca. Hopefully the local police won’t be alerted to my arrival.
I have been stupid to pin all my hopes on the B.B.C. as the letter has finally arrived from them. It isn’t good news I’m afraid, my bubble has been burst! The script readers look at the first 10 pages in order to assess the writing and they have decided not to take things further. Bums, bums, bums!! I feel like creeping off into a dark corner to lick my wounds. I know you shouldn’t take things personally, but I do and it hurts. I will not be defeated........I have a cunning plan. Wait and see what I do next, hehe! In the meantime a spot of hedge-diving will soon sort me out and lift my mood! N.B. - Holly can be extremely tricky.....best to avoid!!
When I came back from my hols last month a series of events led me to believe that a favourite neighbour of mine had died. I was most upset that nobody had informed me of the death, nor asked me to contribute money towards flowers, etc. Then the weirdest thing happened, the doorbell rang and I answered it to find said neighbour, standing on my doorstep grinning inanely. I did a double take as I wondered if this man was still living, or a phantom of the most gruesome kind. Had he had a particularly messy lunch or was that ectoplasm on his shirt? How do you explain to someone kindly, that you thought they were demised and were now pushing up daisies? Anyway it was a very embarrassing five minutes to have.........the neighbour left thinking he was dead and/or that I was a complete lunatic!! Suggest he could have thought the latter to be true! Poor man!
Something else rather weird happened. Two pairs of pants went out on my washing line, only one came back in. Was it the strong winds or were the rife, rumours of a prolific, knicker-nicker really true? Have we got a pantie thief in the area? I fear we have!
The deranged pair, Chris and Zoe went to the cinema to see the much awaited film ‘Sex and the City 2’. Zoe was so excited she was like a puppy with two tails. Unlike Chris he couldn’t appear to muster any enthusiasm for it at all. He thinks that Sarah Jessica Parker has got a face like a foot and can’t understand what all the fuss is about!! Am I the only person in the world that has never seen the series or movies?
As soon as I’ve finished this blog I’m going to have a glass/bottle of red wine, a large bar of chocolate and a night in with Colin firth. Obviously it won’t be in the flesh, as his lovely wife Livia needs him, but I will put on my new D.V.D’s. Yes, I confess I succumbed again and bought ‘St Trinians 2’ and ‘A Single Man’ while I was supposed to be doing a food shop. I’m sorry but I’m not a virtuous woman! In fact you could say I’m very easily led.
Tomorrow the search starts again for the literary agent that doesn’t appear to exist!! Also I must put my cunning plan into action.
Catch you soon.
P.D. Scott xx Downtrodden? Not yet!!
June 18th 2010- Part twelve
Firstly I would like to say a big thank you for all the positive remarks you sent me about my version of Pride & Prejudice. It was very kind of you ........it was a bit bonkers really, wasn’t it? The next and final instalment is in December, will Mr Firth and Miss Scott get together? Find out in ‘Christmas at Pemberley’.
The suntan has virtually faded away......... my diet is back on track, not helped by the arrival of an old fashioned sweet shop in the local town. There is only one possible answer to beat the post-holiday blues. So what is it? Book another holiday of course!! I have booked a week away for September. It was a choice between two places really, Menorca or Fuerteventura .Last time I stayed on the Canary Island of Fuerteventura, despite the lovely hotel and idyllic setting there was a major shock to my delicate disposition! I got talking to this pleasant enough man (he had the look of Popeye the sailor man, actually). He appeared harmless and a perfectly, respectable guy. Every morning he took his towel and headed down to the beach and foolishly I decided to join him. When I got my toes in the warm, talcum powder sand I was shocked at the sight around me. Oh my goodness Popeye was stark naked!!!! As much as I tried not to, I couldn’t seem to drag my eyes away from his meat and two veg.......it was mesmerising, for all the wrong reasons!! When I finally looked away I noticed almost everyone else on the beach happened to be naked too! My blasted Travel Agent hadn’t informed me I had booked into a resort known and loved to naturists......it was an extremely harrowing experience. I had two choices I could either, strip off and lay next to Popeye or else I could scamper back to the security of the hotel! Well of course I didn’t strip off........ I’ve had a very sheltered upbringing you know! I also admit to giving Popeye a wide berth for the rest of the holiday! So this time I will be returning to an old haunt on the Balearic island of Menorca. Hopefully the local police won’t be alerted to my arrival.
I have been stupid to pin all my hopes on the B.B.C. as the letter has finally arrived from them. It isn’t good news I’m afraid, my bubble has been burst! The script readers look at the first 10 pages in order to assess the writing and they have decided not to take things further. Bums, bums, bums!! I feel like creeping off into a dark corner to lick my wounds. I know you shouldn’t take things personally, but I do and it hurts. I will not be defeated........I have a cunning plan. Wait and see what I do next, hehe! In the meantime a spot of hedge-diving will soon sort me out and lift my mood! N.B. - Holly can be extremely tricky.....best to avoid!!
When I came back from my hols last month a series of events led me to believe that a favourite neighbour of mine had died. I was most upset that nobody had informed me of the death, nor asked me to contribute money towards flowers, etc. Then the weirdest thing happened, the doorbell rang and I answered it to find said neighbour, standing on my doorstep grinning inanely. I did a double take as I wondered if this man was still living, or a phantom of the most gruesome kind. Had he had a particularly messy lunch or was that ectoplasm on his shirt? How do you explain to someone kindly, that you thought they were demised and were now pushing up daisies? Anyway it was a very embarrassing five minutes to have.........the neighbour left thinking he was dead and/or that I was a complete lunatic!! Suggest he could have thought the latter to be true! Poor man!
Something else rather weird happened. Two pairs of pants went out on my washing line, only one came back in. Was it the strong winds or were the rife, rumours of a prolific, knicker-nicker really true? Have we got a pantie thief in the area? I fear we have!
The deranged pair, Chris and Zoe went to the cinema to see the much awaited film ‘Sex and the City 2’. Zoe was so excited she was like a puppy with two tails. Unlike Chris he couldn’t appear to muster any enthusiasm for it at all. He thinks that Sarah Jessica Parker has got a face like a foot and can’t understand what all the fuss is about!! Am I the only person in the world that has never seen the series or movies?
As soon as I’ve finished this blog I’m going to have a glass/bottle of red wine, a large bar of chocolate and a night in with Colin firth. Obviously it won’t be in the flesh, as his lovely wife Livia needs him, but I will put on my new D.V.D’s. Yes, I confess I succumbed again and bought ‘St Trinians 2’ and ‘A Single Man’ while I was supposed to be doing a food shop. I’m sorry but I’m not a virtuous woman! In fact you could say I’m very easily led.
Tomorrow the search starts again for the literary agent that doesn’t appear to exist!! Also I must put my cunning plan into action.
Catch you soon.
P.D. Scott xx Downtrodden? Not yet!!
Thursday, 3 June 2010
A Tongue in Cheek Blog in the Style of Jane Austen! June 4th 2010 – Part eleven PRIDE and PREJUDICE- Take two!
I was sitting in my bed chamber writing my correspondence at the bureau when I was rudely interrupted by my overexcited sister Michelle.
“He is come........he is come!” Michelle announced with a heaving bosom.
“Who is come?” I asked.
“Mr Firth is downstairs in the morning room waiting to see you!”
I glanced out of the bay-window and saw the stable lad leading Mr Firth’s fine, grey mare towards the stable block.
“He is a proud and most, disagreeable, man.” I huffed. “I should be perfectly content to stay in my room!”
“Please do not be so severe, sister.” Michelle said with a frown. “Why are you so out of spirits?”
“What would you have me do?” I said becoming increasingly diverted.
“You should go down and receive him.” Michelle said calmly. “I will come and chaperone for you.”
“Oh I wish I could think so well of people as you do, sister.”
“Amen to that.” Michelle said. “Come now, we will keep him waiting if we do not make haste.”
I nodded to Michelle even though I thought Mr Firth was one of the haughtiest and most aloof men I had ever had the misfortune to meet. I took a glimpse in the looking-glass before following Michelle from the room.
Mr Firth stood up as we entered and bowed from his waist. “Ladies, it is my pleasure to see you.”
We curtsied briefly.
“Mr Firth, please be seated.” I told him.
We all sat ourselves down in an uncomfortable, yet polite silence.
“I passed your younger sister Zoe walking out with a tall gentleman on the road to the village but five minutes since.” Mr Firth uttered breaking the unease.
“Oh yes, she was being escorted to the new, moving picture theatre by an acquaintance of ours.” I told him.
“Who was the gentleman?” He asked with interest.
“It was Master Chris Woods of the Grange.” Michelle said.
Mr Firth frowned. “I have heard his head is turned by the sight of a fine ankle. I am sure you do not want your sister’s reputation to be plunged into the gutter!”
Michelle became quite vexed. “I am sure our sister’s reputation will stay intact, sir.”
“I remember you saying that your good opinion once lost, is lost forever!” I told him. “What have you against our family friend?”
“I did not want to expose you to worry ladies.” He apologised. “I fear you should learn he is known to be a scoundrel and a cad. I would not let my sister Mabel, walk out alone with him.”
“Indeed Mr Firth, I do not think Zoe will come to any harm as our uncle and aunt will be meeting them there.” I said softly.
“What is the name of the moving picture?” Mr Firth asked.
“Bridget Jones’s Diary.” Michelle informed him.
“How ridiculous......it will never catch on.” He laughed.
“I am sure you are right, sir.” I agreed.
The room fell into another silence.
“There is a fine prospect from the window to the lake, Miss Scott.” Mr Firth said suddenly. “I have a great fondness for lakes!”
“Indeed.” I said with a coy smile.
“Would you like to take tea, Mr Firth?” Michelle asked.
“I thank you, but no.” He said stroking his sideburns.
I looked across at his bottle-green velvet jacket and his tight, white, breeches and came quite close to having the vapours!
“Mr Firth, would you be agreeable as to tell me why you are wearing a wet shirt?” I asked him.
“It is nothing of consequence, Miss Scott.”
“Please be accommodating and indulge my curiosity.”
A smile played on his lips. “It is something I have to endure Miss Scott. I cannot pass a lake without being overcome with an odd compulsion to leap into the water..........it is laughable is it not?”
“Indeed it is, sir.” I said with a smile. “Is that duckweed dangling from your breeches?”
“I believe so, Miss Scott.”
“Mr Firth, will you be attending the ball at the assembly rooms above ‘Pedro’s Pizza’ next week?” Michelle asked him.
“No Madam, I regret I will not.”
“He is come........he is come!” Michelle announced with a heaving bosom.
“Who is come?” I asked.
“Mr Firth is downstairs in the morning room waiting to see you!”
I glanced out of the bay-window and saw the stable lad leading Mr Firth’s fine, grey mare towards the stable block.
“He is a proud and most, disagreeable, man.” I huffed. “I should be perfectly content to stay in my room!”
“Please do not be so severe, sister.” Michelle said with a frown. “Why are you so out of spirits?”
“What would you have me do?” I said becoming increasingly diverted.
“You should go down and receive him.” Michelle said calmly. “I will come and chaperone for you.”
“Oh I wish I could think so well of people as you do, sister.”
“Amen to that.” Michelle said. “Come now, we will keep him waiting if we do not make haste.”
I nodded to Michelle even though I thought Mr Firth was one of the haughtiest and most aloof men I had ever had the misfortune to meet. I took a glimpse in the looking-glass before following Michelle from the room.
Mr Firth stood up as we entered and bowed from his waist. “Ladies, it is my pleasure to see you.”
We curtsied briefly.
“Mr Firth, please be seated.” I told him.
We all sat ourselves down in an uncomfortable, yet polite silence.
“I passed your younger sister Zoe walking out with a tall gentleman on the road to the village but five minutes since.” Mr Firth uttered breaking the unease.
“Oh yes, she was being escorted to the new, moving picture theatre by an acquaintance of ours.” I told him.
“Who was the gentleman?” He asked with interest.
“It was Master Chris Woods of the Grange.” Michelle said.
Mr Firth frowned. “I have heard his head is turned by the sight of a fine ankle. I am sure you do not want your sister’s reputation to be plunged into the gutter!”
Michelle became quite vexed. “I am sure our sister’s reputation will stay intact, sir.”
“I remember you saying that your good opinion once lost, is lost forever!” I told him. “What have you against our family friend?”
“I did not want to expose you to worry ladies.” He apologised. “I fear you should learn he is known to be a scoundrel and a cad. I would not let my sister Mabel, walk out alone with him.”
“Indeed Mr Firth, I do not think Zoe will come to any harm as our uncle and aunt will be meeting them there.” I said softly.
“What is the name of the moving picture?” Mr Firth asked.
“Bridget Jones’s Diary.” Michelle informed him.
“How ridiculous......it will never catch on.” He laughed.
“I am sure you are right, sir.” I agreed.
The room fell into another silence.
“There is a fine prospect from the window to the lake, Miss Scott.” Mr Firth said suddenly. “I have a great fondness for lakes!”
“Indeed.” I said with a coy smile.
“Would you like to take tea, Mr Firth?” Michelle asked.
“I thank you, but no.” He said stroking his sideburns.
I looked across at his bottle-green velvet jacket and his tight, white, breeches and came quite close to having the vapours!
“Mr Firth, would you be agreeable as to tell me why you are wearing a wet shirt?” I asked him.
“It is nothing of consequence, Miss Scott.”
“Please be accommodating and indulge my curiosity.”
A smile played on his lips. “It is something I have to endure Miss Scott. I cannot pass a lake without being overcome with an odd compulsion to leap into the water..........it is laughable is it not?”
“Indeed it is, sir.” I said with a smile. “Is that duckweed dangling from your breeches?”
“I believe so, Miss Scott.”
“Mr Firth, will you be attending the ball at the assembly rooms above ‘Pedro’s Pizza’ next week?” Michelle asked him.
“No Madam, I regret I will not.”
“Do you not like dancing, sir?” I asked.
“I believe I have not a hint of enthusiasm for it at all, Miss Scott.”
“Could it be that you are not an accomplished dancer, Mr Firth? Perhaps you are not interested in making connections of any sort?” I teased.
“Any savage can dance Miss Scott.” He said. “I have not the inclination to try to impress the ladies of the parish with my break-dancing moves!”
I hid a smile as I imagined the proud Mr Firth break-dancing to the pianoforte.
“Pray tell me sir, are your family quite well?” Michelle asked.
“I thank you yes they are all favoured with good health.”
Michelle smiled at the handsome acquaintance.
“I fear I should take my leave of you.” Mr Firth said as he arose from the chair. “I have heard word that there is a good deal on chicken thighs and ‘Pork Scratchings’ at Harrods!”
I exchanged a worried glance with my sister, knowing not the meaning of his strange speech.
“So soon Mr Firth, cannot we tempt you to try our baps?” Michelle asked. “They are fresh this very morning.”
“I thank you but no, I must hurry before the food hall closes its doors.”
“I did not know you held such an attraction to chicken thighs!” I said softly.
“Indeed I am accessibly attentive to all those things.” He said. “Before I go Miss Scott, may I be so bold as to speak alone with you?”
“I am afraid you shall not, sir!” Michelle scolded.
“I am sorry to displease you Madam.” Mr Firth said. “I take no delight in vexing you but I must speak alone with your sister.”
“Do you not know it is most improper?” I said quickly.
“It is a matter of delicacy and extreme importance, Miss Scott.” He continued.
“Michelle, would you trouble yourself as to go to the potting shed?” I asked politely as I straightened my full skirt. “Perhaps you could do something inspirational with a marrow!”
Michelle nodded and wafted serenely from the room.
“Miss Scott I am afraid this cannot be concealed.” Mr Firth said walking towards me.
“Mr Firth please do not ridicule me, I am not scared of your presence.”
“I would not have you so, Miss Scott.” He said as his eyes smouldered. “Do you not know what I must ask of you?”
“Indeed I do not sir........pray tell me why you appear to be so ill favoured with life?”
“Miss Scott.......dearest Miss Scott in vain I have struggled, it will not do. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. I have come to feel for you a passionate regard and I beg you to relieve me of my pain and consent to be my wife.”
“Well slap my bum and call me a biscuit!” I shouted.
“Oh Miss Scott, you have bewitched me body and soul.” He said, preoccupied with his proposal.
“But Mr Firth is it not true that you have given your heart to another?”
“Pray excuse me but I know not to whom you refer?”
I frowned. “Miss Susan Boyle, I believe is the lady’s name!”
“She is tolerable I suppose but not handsome enough to tempt me.”
“Are you denying your dalliance with Miss Boyle?”
“I am Miss Scott.” Mr Firth looked furtive and uneasy. “I admit I have trifled with the karaoke machine with the lady but nothing else of consequence I can assure you!”
“I see, but still I cannot marry you.” I said with a sigh.
“Would I speak with your father, Miss Scott?”
“That is not possible sir....my father is no longer of this world.”
“I am grieved indeed!” He said sadly. “Pray tell me what has happened? I had the utmost respect for your father.”
“I thank you, Mr Firth.” I said sadly. “It is with regret that I must inform you he was savaged by an insane tiger at the zoological gardens in Regents Park.”
“That is a tragedy, Miss Scott.” Mr Firth said.
“It was indeed disturbing to be told your father had been a meal to a murderous pussy.”
We stood looking at each other, the uncomfortable silence returned once more.
Could it be I had misjudged this fine gentleman with his buttocks of steel?
“Surely it would not be an arrogant assumption for me to propose an offer of marriage to you?”
“I am sorry sir but I am betrothed to another.”
“And this is all the reply I can expect of you?” Mr Firth asked. “Pray tell me to whom you are engaged?”
“It is Major Huge Grunt of Oxfordshire.” I told him. “We shall be married before the month of September is out.”
“I believe I have not a hint of enthusiasm for it at all, Miss Scott.”
“Could it be that you are not an accomplished dancer, Mr Firth? Perhaps you are not interested in making connections of any sort?” I teased.
“Any savage can dance Miss Scott.” He said. “I have not the inclination to try to impress the ladies of the parish with my break-dancing moves!”
I hid a smile as I imagined the proud Mr Firth break-dancing to the pianoforte.
“Pray tell me sir, are your family quite well?” Michelle asked.
“I thank you yes they are all favoured with good health.”
Michelle smiled at the handsome acquaintance.
“I fear I should take my leave of you.” Mr Firth said as he arose from the chair. “I have heard word that there is a good deal on chicken thighs and ‘Pork Scratchings’ at Harrods!”
I exchanged a worried glance with my sister, knowing not the meaning of his strange speech.
“So soon Mr Firth, cannot we tempt you to try our baps?” Michelle asked. “They are fresh this very morning.”
“I thank you but no, I must hurry before the food hall closes its doors.”
“I did not know you held such an attraction to chicken thighs!” I said softly.
“Indeed I am accessibly attentive to all those things.” He said. “Before I go Miss Scott, may I be so bold as to speak alone with you?”
“I am afraid you shall not, sir!” Michelle scolded.
“I am sorry to displease you Madam.” Mr Firth said. “I take no delight in vexing you but I must speak alone with your sister.”
“Do you not know it is most improper?” I said quickly.
“It is a matter of delicacy and extreme importance, Miss Scott.” He continued.
“Michelle, would you trouble yourself as to go to the potting shed?” I asked politely as I straightened my full skirt. “Perhaps you could do something inspirational with a marrow!”
Michelle nodded and wafted serenely from the room.
“Miss Scott I am afraid this cannot be concealed.” Mr Firth said walking towards me.
“Mr Firth please do not ridicule me, I am not scared of your presence.”
“I would not have you so, Miss Scott.” He said as his eyes smouldered. “Do you not know what I must ask of you?”
“Indeed I do not sir........pray tell me why you appear to be so ill favoured with life?”
“Miss Scott.......dearest Miss Scott in vain I have struggled, it will not do. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. I have come to feel for you a passionate regard and I beg you to relieve me of my pain and consent to be my wife.”
“Well slap my bum and call me a biscuit!” I shouted.
“Oh Miss Scott, you have bewitched me body and soul.” He said, preoccupied with his proposal.
“But Mr Firth is it not true that you have given your heart to another?”
“Pray excuse me but I know not to whom you refer?”
I frowned. “Miss Susan Boyle, I believe is the lady’s name!”
“She is tolerable I suppose but not handsome enough to tempt me.”
“Are you denying your dalliance with Miss Boyle?”
“I am Miss Scott.” Mr Firth looked furtive and uneasy. “I admit I have trifled with the karaoke machine with the lady but nothing else of consequence I can assure you!”
“I see, but still I cannot marry you.” I said with a sigh.
“Would I speak with your father, Miss Scott?”
“That is not possible sir....my father is no longer of this world.”
“I am grieved indeed!” He said sadly. “Pray tell me what has happened? I had the utmost respect for your father.”
“I thank you, Mr Firth.” I said sadly. “It is with regret that I must inform you he was savaged by an insane tiger at the zoological gardens in Regents Park.”
“That is a tragedy, Miss Scott.” Mr Firth said.
“It was indeed disturbing to be told your father had been a meal to a murderous pussy.”
We stood looking at each other, the uncomfortable silence returned once more.
Could it be I had misjudged this fine gentleman with his buttocks of steel?
“Surely it would not be an arrogant assumption for me to propose an offer of marriage to you?”
“I am sorry sir but I am betrothed to another.”
“And this is all the reply I can expect of you?” Mr Firth asked. “Pray tell me to whom you are engaged?”
“It is Major Huge Grunt of Oxfordshire.” I told him. “We shall be married before the month of September is out.”
“I suppose I should wish you well in your forthcoming nuptials.” He picked up his gloves and hat from the dresser. “Please forgive me in taking up your time........I wish you good luck, health and happiness.”
“Thank you sir, I am sorry for your suffering, it was not my aim.”
“I have no injuries to resent, madam.” Mr Firth said. “I see your heart is not easily touched, but if you decide not to throw yourself into the power of Major Huge Grunt, I will be honoured to renew our acquaintance.”
“I thank you, but I have not the smallest chance of yielding.”
“Then I must go madam, I fear you have long been requiring my absence and I do not wish to become tiresome!”
“Yes Mr Firth......good morrow to you.”
In an instant he was gone leaving the faint fragrance of Calvin Klein’s ‘Man’ (very popular with the ladies of the parish).
Of course I had told Mr Firth a falsehood. Indeed I was not engaged to Major Huge Grunt and nor would I want to be! I am not afflicted by false modesty but I knew I could not be Mr Firth’s wife; it would make me the most envied woman in the parish that is true ,but I fear he could not keep me in the manner I had become accustomed . I knew he would not be able to lavish me with sexy whale bone corsets, red wine and endless bags full of ‘Tom Thumb’ pips! So with a heavy heart I sent him away to sow his wild oats across the hills and dales of the county! In a few weeks my suffering would cease, even though I would have liked to play the quaint parlour game of ‘hide the sausage’ with him. I daresay I would bear my deprivation! My depression would soon be eased with a few games of Bingo down at the Co-op.
P.D. Scott xx
I would like to thank Miss Austen for the use of some of her dialogue, especially that old classic ‘slap my bum and call me a biscuit!’
Back to reality next blog!
“Thank you sir, I am sorry for your suffering, it was not my aim.”
“I have no injuries to resent, madam.” Mr Firth said. “I see your heart is not easily touched, but if you decide not to throw yourself into the power of Major Huge Grunt, I will be honoured to renew our acquaintance.”
“I thank you, but I have not the smallest chance of yielding.”
“Then I must go madam, I fear you have long been requiring my absence and I do not wish to become tiresome!”
“Yes Mr Firth......good morrow to you.”
In an instant he was gone leaving the faint fragrance of Calvin Klein’s ‘Man’ (very popular with the ladies of the parish).
Of course I had told Mr Firth a falsehood. Indeed I was not engaged to Major Huge Grunt and nor would I want to be! I am not afflicted by false modesty but I knew I could not be Mr Firth’s wife; it would make me the most envied woman in the parish that is true ,but I fear he could not keep me in the manner I had become accustomed . I knew he would not be able to lavish me with sexy whale bone corsets, red wine and endless bags full of ‘Tom Thumb’ pips! So with a heavy heart I sent him away to sow his wild oats across the hills and dales of the county! In a few weeks my suffering would cease, even though I would have liked to play the quaint parlour game of ‘hide the sausage’ with him. I daresay I would bear my deprivation! My depression would soon be eased with a few games of Bingo down at the Co-op.
P.D. Scott xx
I would like to thank Miss Austen for the use of some of her dialogue, especially that old classic ‘slap my bum and call me a biscuit!’
Back to reality next blog!
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