Sunday, 26 September 2010

September 28th 2010- Part nineteen. Postcard from Menorca

September 28th 2010- Part nineteen. Postcard from Menorca
Hello, I’m back, like the proverbial bad penny.
Good news- I didn’t get nibbled by any fiendish mosquitoes! Hooray! Bad news- I didn’t get nibbled by anything of human form either! Boo!
The weather in Menorca was changeable to say the least, there were storms, wind; rain and unfortunately the sun spent a lot of time hiding, but on the plus side I do have some white bits! I had the most amazing room. When I threw open the balcony door I literally gasped with delight at the view. On one side was the deep navy blue sea complete with lighthouse, then directly below were the lush grounds with two swimming pools. Over on the right was the uber-expensive marina where I could frequently be found shouting ‘Hello sailor!’ to anyone who’d listen. After dark the vista would change, the boats seemed to bob up and down on the almost black millstone water, casting different coloured lights like Royal gems of India. One down side to the room occurred after I’d had a couple of pitchers of sangria. When comatose with alcohol lying prostrate on my bed, my eyes became strangely drawn to a shape in the plaster on the ceiling. I convinced myself there was a head of a yeti up there and he had the desire to devour me. Terrifying!!
On the first evening, whilst dining in the restaurant the manager came up to me to shake my hand. Bless his little cotton socks, he actually remembered me from my previous visit. Is that a good thing do you think? Or had I disgraced myself so horribly he couldn’t fail to recall my naughtiness. Not sure if it was anything to do with my hazy memories of dancing with ‘Dizzy the Dolphin’. I hasten to add ‘Dizzy’ was a holiday rep in a zip-up suit. Any rumours of further ‘goings on’ with the said dolphin are all diabolical lies! Sadly the rep was nowhere to be seen this time. I hope I didn’t put him off repping! Not everyone is as ‘difficult’ as I am........sorry. Perhaps his employers didn’t appreciate his sudden appearance in the pages of the Sunday papers. This year the head of the entertainment team was Antonio and he was very amusing. He spent the entire time encouraging everyone to twist his nipples, spank his bottom whilst calling his name (I resisted the urge)! Ha-ha.
I hate to admit it, but what started out as such a good idea turned out to be a bit of a holiday nightmare. I was a little tipsy as I walked towards a huge mechanical rodeo bull. I’m only 5ft 2in so I wondered with mounting fear how I was going to get up onto the beast. I clambered up as stylishly and elegantly as possible, after all you never know when your knight in shining armour is going to pass your way. I sat astride the brutish animal, wrapping my eager thighs around tightly, feeling strangely confident............yes I was actually going to do it! That was the last thought I had before the man proceeded to turn the machine on. Then it was scarcely 2 minutes before I came crashing down headfirst onto the dirty floor. How embarrassed was I? I picked myself up and hobbled away from the horrible animal rubbing my buttocks as I went (in the most dignified and chic manner I could muster). I looked around......nobody appeared to have noticed my unfortunate misdemeanour. I can assure you I won’t be repeating my alcohol induced adventure in the future. Two Euros was not well spent!!!
I was sorely disappointed to find no word of my screenplay, short story or novel. I was imagining arriving home to thousands of acceptance letters (I have a vivid imagination). I’m guessing if it was good news I would have heard something by now. So once again I feel like giving up and retreating into a dark corner with my tail between my legs.......but I have 3 months left of my year to make my dreams happen, so I must plod on.
I can’t believe it is only September and some shops have started decorating them for Christmas already! It sure makes you forget your holiday fast, from sun-cream to sparkly tinsel in precisely one week.
The next blog will be written by a guest blogger! No it isn’t Colin Firth although he would be more than welcome to do it, if he so wishes. Anyone speaking to him in the not too distant future could indeed mention it!

Be good and take care, people.
P.D. Scott x
(With bruised bum cheeks!)

Saturday, 11 September 2010

September 10th 2010- Part eighteen

September 10th 2010- Part eighteen
I’ve had some amazing news! No I haven’t had anything published or met Colin Firth (don’t be daft). If you haven’t read my Wall on Facebook you won’t be aware that The Penguin Book group in the UK is for a brief period only, open to receiving unsolicited manuscripts! How fantastic is that? No searching for elusive literary agent. I have sent them my synopsis and cover letter via e-mail (they don’t accept snail mail) and hope to hear back from them soon. So I have my fingers, toes and eyes crossed for luck, which makes it rather difficult to type! Hoorah!
I went out for a Chinese banquet last week with all the usual suspects, plus one extra person. You’ve heard of Superman, Batman etc. well I have met the nicest man who I will call for now ‘Tool Hire Man’, we get on really well and what he doesn’t know about power tools is no one’s business. Thankfully he doesn’t wear his underpants over his trousers, so that’s a bonus! I have invited him round to demonstrate his electrical appliances. He has promised to let me view his electric Poker-Vibrator with a massive 32mm diameter, no doubt you all know that it is used to settle wet cement into those stubborn corners! Obvious didn’t think it was anything sinister did you? I must admit I am very thrilled at the thought of seeing that. He has also left a catalogue for me to peruse at my leisure. Exciting bedtime reading for me then! I will of course keep you posted about ‘Tool Hire Man’. I wonder how he would feel about dressing up in breeches, white shirt and a lacy cravat? Too early to enquire do you think?
My deranged friends Chris and Zoe are away on their jolly holidays to Tunisia at the moment. They have gone for a very much needed, 7 night break. Zoe is desperate to be parading a tan when she gets back, more natural I hope than her spray tan! She looked a similar shade to an over- ripe Satsuma when I dropped them off at the airport. Hopefully Chris will not be bartering with the locals to exchange his beloved Zoe for 2 camels and a goat!
Talking of much needed holidays, on Friday I am flying away to Menorca. I’ve been having a heated debate with myself concerning my packing. Usually I like to take a few new clothes on holiday with me, I’m not sure why but I always have. Is it the sensible thing to do, though? Or should I take my oldish clothes in case of accidents? I do always seem to attract the dirt; I suppose you could call me a grime magnet! You know how easy it is to pick up tar on the beach and don’t get me started on camel spit!
I will not be attempting to epilate my poor legs this time as I have an extremely low pain threshold. It really isn’t worth frightening the neighbours with my ear-piercing screams of near torture, just to have silken smooth legs. I’m afraid it will be back to the trusted razor for me......not as good as waxing but there’s nothing wrong with the were-wolf look!
Menorca is a little jewel of an island plonked in the Mediterranean Sea. It is the second largest of the Balearic Islands, dotted with quiet fishing villages, made for wholesome family fun.....bad luck I’m on my way! Mahon is the capital and also where mayonnaise is thought to come from originally. The island is also famous for gin. Yuk I hate gin (only good for cleaning your jewellery). Aside from the serene environ that this stunning island is famous for, it is well-known for the strong breezes. Hence, the island is also deemed The Windy City. I’ll have to remember to take a thick woollen hat and scarf set to wear with my bikini. How utterly attractive! I will be heading to the extreme south west coast to Cala’n Bosch. It is within walking distance of two lovely beaches and a marina, where all the people with money ‘hang out’ on their expensive boats. Must make a note: Promenade along the marina daily, in order to seek out millionaires and/or celebrities. Do you think it might look a trifle strange to strut round the marina in a pair of flip-flops, tiara and ball gown? Maybe that would be slightly over the top! Best stick with something understated I think. Perhaps a pair of faux leopard skin leggings with a bejewelled corset and stilettos. Perfect!
Cala’n Bosch is very busy in the summer season but as soon as all the tourists go home there is only 107 people registered as living there. The hotel where I’m staying has more guests than that alone! I will no doubt be taking my note pad with me, so I can fill you in with all the gossip on my return (like it or not).
Lastly I must finish this blog by wishing Colin (buns of steel) Firth a very Happy 50th Birthday. The cake is iced and ready. So are the pink, fluffy handcuffs, if you still like that sort of thing!
More next time when I return................ Take care, people!
P.D. Scott xx