Thursday, 18 November 2010

November 2010- Part twenty-three

November 2010- Part twenty-three
I have to admit I am getting very disillusioned with this literary lark there seems to be absolutely nothing on the horizon. It appears the only thing in my life I have to look forward to in the far distant future, is the latest design of incontinence pads! Great! I look forward to that immensely! I’m not as depressed as that makes me sound but you try living with rejection after rejection! I do hate it when people call it feedback......its rejection, pure and simple! Rant over! You are safe to come out from behind the sofa.
At last I have found somebody to accompany me to my belly dancing classes. My deranged friend Zoe has volunteered to learn to ripple and thrust along side of me. It’s so exciting....I can’t wait. Until we go to our first lesson I have been viewing erotic belly dancing on You-Tube. Think I may model myself on Shakira’s dancing. I’ve just about managed to master ‘snake arms’ but it’s very hard to learn the hip movements! Watch out Colin Firth I will be in your favourite restaurant soon to pulsate my body over your couscous! Oh I say matron! I wonder where you buy tassels to stick on your nipples.....umm.
As well as being obsessed with Colin Firth I am a list obsessive too! I always make lists about everything! Does that make me a control freak? Routine and lists are my world......nothing spontaneous to upset the apple cart. My latest list is a Christmas list for Santa- Dear F. Christmas. I have been a good-ish girl and so I would like a mood changing lipstick, literary agent, pink-fluffy handcuffs (others have broken through rough play), grow your own boyfriend, Easter egg (should be in the shops by December), a new jar of chocolate body paint to replace the last (now rancid through lack of use), luminous green feather boa, a handbag, a satsuma and last but not least Colin Firth dressed as Mr Darcy!! I have a bucket list too, but I will not publish that because it concerns a certain actor, a leather horse whip and a bouncy castle!!!
It’s really chilly today here in London, it’s enough to make your ‘raspberry ripples’ stand to attention. I could seriously cut glass with them!
Christmas is well on the way. I can’t believe it is almost a year since I received my weird but wonderful Christmas pressie from ‘deranged friends’ Chris and Zoe. Not everyone can boast they were given Christmas tree seeds with reindeer poo to plant out in their garden. For 7 months I have watched and waited for any sign of life from under the soil. I hoped by now I would at least see one token shoot breaking through, but no. I may have to face the fact that my pipedream of decorating my own tree is not going to happen. I can’t wait to see what they buy me this year!
I can tell you something they definitely won’t be buying me...........a Merkin! I read an article about this exciting new gift idea! Anyone who is unfamiliar with the name will be astounded to learn that it is the name given to a pubic wig! Actors, actresses, prostitutes, arty-farty types or ladies just wanting to give their partners a surprise, buy them from specialist shops. It is said that the ‘Brazilian’ and the ‘Landing strip’ are out of fashion ‘down there’......the Merkin is the way to go! You can get them readily in all colours and shapes, from a red love heart to a National flag. How very patriotic! I’m not sure how our queen would feel about people flashing their Merkins along to ‘God Save the Queen’!
The guy next door has volunteered his services to be Father Christmas this year for a charity event. You see the real Santa will obviously be too busy checking on the reindeer and the elves, to be able to do it himself! Admittedly he won’t need the padding around his middle! The sad thing is he isn’t allowed to let the children sit on his knee to talk to him. People are worried he could be accused of ‘touching up’ the ankle biters! How sad is that? Next they’ll be testing the Easter bunny for rabies and frisking the Tooth fairy for sharp objects and explosive devices. Ridiculous!
Can I just put in a huge message of congratulations to my dear deranged friends Chris and Zoe. Chris got down on one knee and proposed (marriage). Fantastic news! Trust Prince William and Kate to spoil their thunder and announce their engagement too!
Oh well that completes another lot of my garrulous scribbling!
Take care until next time.
P.D. Scott. Xx
Warning : Next blog ‘Christmas at Pemberley!’

Thursday, 4 November 2010

DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR! November 5th 2010- Part twenty-two

November 5th 2010- Part twenty-two
I have had an interesting few days since my last blog. I don’t know what on earth processed me but I was encouraged to go to a Halloween party. Yes I was enticed by friends to celebrate the gruesomeness of all evil ghouls and ghosties by drinking vast quantities of alcohol whilst apple bobbing! Unsurprisingly manic Michelle went dressed as a rather attractive pirate, sporting her favourite bejewelled eye patch and amazing red killer heels. Deranged friends Chris and Zoe were a little more imaginative with their costumes. Zoe donned a rather fetching ‘Tinkerbell’ outfit complete with UGG boots and a wire hanger with tinsel wrapped round it for a wand. Chris dressed as a demonic monster, his face painted with terrifying looking scars. I took the easy option and went as the ‘Bride of Dracula’. I rooted through the local charity shop for an awful looking, wedding dress and veil, and tipped ketchup down the front as blood. A pair of plastic fangs finished the look. I must remember another time to take the wretched fangs out before attempting to imbibe any alcohol as I became prone to dribbling and drooling (not a good look). The party itself was fun but uneventful which can’t be said for our journey home. Chris and his friend Leon walked ahead of us and it soon became apparent that the volume of alcohol they had consumed was looking for an urgent way out! The two guys decided they would slink away into an alley to have a pee! Unluckily for them two policemen happened to follow them into the darkness wondering what on earth they were up to. Chris and his friend managed to convince the coppers that they were doing nothing more than having a piddle. This was not a good idea as they were both given an on the spot fine for urinating in a public place. Michelle, Zoe and I nearly wet ourselves laughing when they came back to us red faced telling us they had been charged with outraging public decency. It was hysterical! The next day I was still amused by the whole situation and looked it up on the internet as I had no idea it was illegal to pee in a public place. Apparently in England it is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long as it is on the rear wheel of his motor car and his right hand is on the vehicle! I kid you not, that is what it said! A pregnant woman can legally wee in public anywhere and rumour has it that she is even allowed to wee in a policeman’s helmet! How mad is that? I just love the old English laws!
I have been very unproductive of late with my literary nightmare. Apart from entering another writing competition I have done little else to forward my profile. I still await news from an agent about my screenplay but I am ashamed to admit I have not sent off my novel to the publishers. I have no excuse to rely on I am just a lazy hound. This cold weather makes me want to curl up and watch Firth films.
My golf lessons have been abandoned also. It is too wet and miserable to walk about striking a ball into holes! May take it up again next year when the weather is less monsoon-like.
I haven’t given up the idea of belly dancing though. I’m trying to entice a friend (anyone would do) to go along with me to shake their bits to the music. Why am I the only person who thinks it’s a good plan? On an obscure T.V. channel there used to be a show which gave you belly dancing lessons each morning. I have since changed my T.V. provider and lost the channel completely so I can’t even learn from home. I am gutted!
My poor feline is in a state of nervous terror as Bonfire night draws ever closer. She hides behind the sofa as the noisy fireworks go off in the evenings. She particularly despises the loud bangs and the wizzy ones. It wouldn’t be so bad if people kept to one night only but it seems to be any excuse to let them off now. My cat’s ticker won’t take much more she is 14 yrs old now!
I am in desperate need of Dr Who’s Tardis! I wish I could leap in and go back in time to when ladies were ladies and men were men, the Edwardian days, to be precise. I have found myself in need of a ladies maid to dress me in the mornings. Lately on the odd occasion I have been to the town with my jumper inside out, or my dress tucked in my knickers, or with odd socks. So I feel I must have someone to dress me properly! Also I wouldn’t be against a bit of bodice ripping either!! Right let’s move on from my fantasies before you think I am a woman with loose morals. While I was on a jaunt to town, probably dressed badly, I espied a luminous yellow condom on the pavement outside my house. I was agog and aghast! Surely such smutty ‘goings on’ doesn’t happen in my stylish street? What is the neighbourhood coming to? Tut-tut! This wouldn’t happen in Chiswick.

Anyway peeps, enough rants & ravings for this time.
See you next time.
P.D. Scott xx