October 22nd 2010- Part twenty-one

DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
October 22nd 2010- Part twenty-one

First I would like to thank Mr Darcy for stepping in at the last minute to write my blog whilst I was away in Bath taking the waters. It was most kind of him and I will be forever in his debt. He has a very healthy appetite and devoured all of my tins of Spaghetti Hoops. He also delighted in the taste of Turkey Twizzlers but is unsure if turkeys do indeed have twizzlers! Unusually there has been a run on my laundry starch too.....heaven only knows what has happened to that! Mr Darcy has left a pair of his black leather trim suspenders. He gets so cross when I persist in twanging them! He is much like a curmudgeon and threatens me constantly with his horse whip! Umm nice! The dear fellow is travelling into the depths of London to visit his much admired friends. Mr Darcy often tells me that he is very popular with the fashionable ladies and I can validate that. He doesn’t tell me to impress, but he says and I quote “It is merely the facts.”
Oh alas, woe is me! I have heard from Channel 4 about my screenplay at last. They sent a very helpful, if upsetting letter, pointing me in a different direction. Again I have been told that they don’t accept unsolicited scripts, nor do they make their own programmes. So I have sent my script off AGAIN to a literary agent who deals with scripts and screenplays. I can’t help thinking this is a pointless task, it feels like the last chance saloon somehow. You can’t knock me for trying though. A lot of people say I’m trying, but that’s something completely different!! I have also been in touch with a publisher who deals with authors without the need of those blasted literary agents. So I will be submitting my books to them!
On a recent expedition to the local super market to replenish my larder with Spaghetti Hoops, I espied yet another sort of fish for my culinary delight. Not only do they have my favourite Colin (Pollock) for me to nibble on, they have another called Pouting! Can you believe it? It is a common fish from around the British coastline. I bet Victoria Beckham eats it all the time to achieve her magnificent pout! I’ve tried pouting in front of the mirror to make me look alluring and sexy but to be honest I just look stupid!
Talking about fish, have you seen the new and unusual fish pedicure? You lower your feet into a tank of around 150 Garra fish. They have no teeth and nibble away at dead skin using suction-shaped mouths leaving new skin underneath untouched. The carp which originate from Turkey have been used in the Far East to treat skin complaints such as eczema and psoriasis. I think I’d be happy to give it a go if it isn’t too expensive.......on the other hand maybe I could buy a couple of piranhas, they could probably do the job in half the time!!!
I have been having a major ponder! Should I have my first tattoo done or another piercing? I only have my ears pierced at the moment (very normal) but should I get my nipples done too? Could come in very handy in later life! Simply thread string through the nipple rings and then just hoist them over your shoulders to achieve that pert look again. Umm sorted! Sorry to deranged friend Chris, he hates it when I mention nipples. (He leads a sheltered life)!!
On the thought of updating my profile I am seriously thinking about having belly dancing lessons. When fully trained and ready to ripple and thrust I could apply for a position at Colin Firth’s favourite Lebanese restaurant. I could shake my bits over his main course with allurement! There is a class not too far away from me in Wembley. I like that idea very much. Must invest in chiffon skirts and hip scarves immediately!
I am off to my 2nd golf lesson soon with my hunky instructor Rob. He is so strict with me and will not let me wear heels of any sort whilst on the golf course. Neither does he think my knee high boots and mini skirt are suitable attire! Rob or Robsey, as I like to call him, lent me a glove to protect my delicate hand against blisters while I was hacking about with the club (not stick as I thought it was called). He only gave me one glove. Poor guy is obviously not rich enough for two! I felt like Michael Jackson and was not averse to moon walking round the links! Sir was not amused! Spoil sport. I just love to thrash about in the sandpit (bunker Robsey calls it). I can see myself being an expert on it very soon! Watch out Tiger Woods, I know this is a golfer and not the tiger advertising Kellogs Frosties!
See you next time.
“FORE!” (A golf term which means, ‘mind your bloody head,
mad person’s ball coming through’
P.D. Scott xxx

DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR! October 2010- Part twenty

DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
October 2010- Part twenty
Allow me first to introduce myself to you all. My name is Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley, Derbyshire. I have offered my services to Miss Scott as she is away taking the waters in Bath for her health. I have not the smallest intention of doing this on a regular basis but when Miss Scott informed me that her mind was like a tumble-drier full of monkeys I knew she needed my assistance. My fashionable friend Miss Kate Moss, suggested I send Miss Scott with much haste in my own carriage, to the confines of the Spa. It is I believe, conducive to your health if you drink 8 pints of water per day from the Pump Room. My thoughts are with her and I hope Miss Scott’s fine eyes will be brightened by the exercise and water.
Forgive me, but I am not comfortable with this medium of writing. I am much at home with a quill but I will do my best. I find it almost as difficult to handle this laptop as I do my PlayStation 3, but I have made excellent progress with that! As you can imagine the words of Twitter and Facebook are alien to me, but one must always be open to new ideas. I have had the opportunity to try a ‘dance-mat’ and although the style of movement is not exactly what I am used to, I think I am excelling at it immensely.
I have become alarmed at some of the indescribable vistas that come onto the screen of the laptop. I must inform you that wayward ladies in their ‘scanties’ are available to view. I am shocked, at this state of affairs!
I was vexed to find that Mr Wickham, that abominable gutter-snipe has been a constant visitor to Miss Scott’s abode. Indeed I fear this could be the very reason for her failing health. If he calls again when I am attending her pussy I will not be amused. The feline is quite ill favoured, and I am sure will not want to witness a duel in the grounds!
Another person I have found spending much of his time in the grounds is indeed of questionable character. He has assured me he is a gardener of unrivalled quality. He is a floppy haired gentleman, and I use that term loosely, as he spends too many hours in the shrubbery tending the plants for my liking. I have told him to ‘Sod Off’ but alas to no avail, he says he must make sure Miss Scott’s bush is neatly trimmed at all times.
Miss Scott’s residence is a charming house. ‘Scott Towers’ is not on the same grand scale of Pemberley of course but it very pleasing to behold. It does lack family portraits and not one of Miss Scott or her friends! Miss Scott has but one likeness of a roguish gentleman on the wall in the kitchen. On the front it is written- Colin Firth Unofficial Calendar. It is most unsettling to watch the eyes of this fellow following you about the room as you are preparing your Faggots!
There is a large lake in the grounds, containing many carp and trout, excellent for fishing if that is your bent. I, on the other hand prefer to swim in the lake.....indeed I cannot avert myself from plunging in at every given opportunity. I take pleasure in walking along with a dripping, white shirt, clinging to my every manly contour. There must be something to cure me of this trait......leeches perhaps? Mr Bingley my good friend; is looking to find someone to advise me on my ill; it may mean an extensive voyage to far off shores.
I am much aggrieved to find Miss Scott has been slightly lax with her delivery man. She has made an unpardonable error of allowing him to place his silver-tops, creamy yoghurt and ‘Stinking Bishop’ (a rather rancid smelling cheese that smells like it was scraped from Satan’s navel) on the doorstep in full view of all her neighbours. Clearly he should be aware that he must bring them to the tradesmen’s entrance. I will be reprimanding him in the first instance!
While I am at home, residing on my Pemberley estate I have little of consequence to worry me. I have an efficient housekeeper who arranges everything most admirably for my convenience. So as you can appreciate I was at my wit’s end whilst trying to wash my own breeches yesterday. I should not have tampered with them had I not found frogspawn in the groin area from a recent lake-plunging episode. I fear I may have added too much starch to them, as now when I walk there appears to be a loud crackling noise. I confess the entire situation has made me much like a bear with a wicked temper.
Miss Scott still awaits news concerning her screenplay. I am assured she will tell you as soon as she hears anything of importance. She is in a state of uncertainty and rarely sleeps soundly.....perhaps I should offer to massage her back?
I entertain high hopes that Miss Scott will soon be recovered enough to write her next essay. But if she is still indisposed I hope you would not find it too insufferable to bear my drivel again next time. Under my peculiar sort of dry, blunt manner, I hope you know I have the warmest of hearts.
I know now how insufficient all my pretentions were to amuse people worthy of being amused and for this I apologise most profoundly.
I must away now, as I have an urgent hankering for Turkey Twizzlers with Spaghetti Hoops!
Good tidings to you all.
Fitzwilliam Darcy