October 22nd 2010- Part twenty-one

DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
October 22nd 2010- Part twenty-one

First I would like to thank Mr Darcy for stepping in at the last minute to write my blog whilst I was away in Bath taking the waters. It was most kind of him and I will be forever in his debt. He has a very healthy appetite and devoured all of my tins of Spaghetti Hoops. He also delighted in the taste of Turkey Twizzlers but is unsure if turkeys do indeed have twizzlers! Unusually there has been a run on my laundry starch too.....heaven only knows what has happened to that! Mr Darcy has left a pair of his black leather trim suspenders. He gets so cross when I persist in twanging them! He is much like a curmudgeon and threatens me constantly with his horse whip! Umm nice! The dear fellow is travelling into the depths of London to visit his much admired friends. Mr Darcy often tells me that he is very popular with the fashionable ladies and I can validate that. He doesn’t tell me to impress, but he says and I quote “It is merely the facts.”
Oh alas, woe is me! I have heard from Channel 4 about my screenplay at last. They sent a very helpful, if upsetting letter, pointing me in a different direction. Again I have been told that they don’t accept unsolicited scripts, nor do they make their own programmes. So I have sent my script off AGAIN to a literary agent who deals with scripts and screenplays. I can’t help thinking this is a pointless task, it feels like the last chance saloon somehow. You can’t knock me for trying though. A lot of people say I’m trying, but that’s something completely different!! I have also been in touch with a publisher who deals with authors without the need of those blasted literary agents. So I will be submitting my books to them!
On a recent expedition to the local super market to replenish my larder with Spaghetti Hoops, I espied yet another sort of fish for my culinary delight. Not only do they have my favourite Colin (Pollock) for me to nibble on, they have another called Pouting! Can you believe it? It is a common fish from around the British coastline. I bet Victoria Beckham eats it all the time to achieve her magnificent pout! I’ve tried pouting in front of the mirror to make me look alluring and sexy but to be honest I just look stupid!
Talking about fish, have you seen the new and unusual fish pedicure? You lower your feet into a tank of around 150 Garra fish. They have no teeth and nibble away at dead skin using suction-shaped mouths leaving new skin underneath untouched. The carp which originate from Turkey have been used in the Far East to treat skin complaints such as eczema and psoriasis. I think I’d be happy to give it a go if it isn’t too expensive.......on the other hand maybe I could buy a couple of piranhas, they could probably do the job in half the time!!!
I have been having a major ponder! Should I have my first tattoo done or another piercing? I only have my ears pierced at the moment (very normal) but should I get my nipples done too? Could come in very handy in later life! Simply thread string through the nipple rings and then just hoist them over your shoulders to achieve that pert look again. Umm sorted! Sorry to deranged friend Chris, he hates it when I mention nipples. (He leads a sheltered life)!!
On the thought of updating my profile I am seriously thinking about having belly dancing lessons. When fully trained and ready to ripple and thrust I could apply for a position at Colin Firth’s favourite Lebanese restaurant. I could shake my bits over his main course with allurement! There is a class not too far away from me in Wembley. I like that idea very much. Must invest in chiffon skirts and hip scarves immediately!
I am off to my 2nd golf lesson soon with my hunky instructor Rob. He is so strict with me and will not let me wear heels of any sort whilst on the golf course. Neither does he think my knee high boots and mini skirt are suitable attire! Rob or Robsey, as I like to call him, lent me a glove to protect my delicate hand against blisters while I was hacking about with the club (not stick as I thought it was called). He only gave me one glove. Poor guy is obviously not rich enough for two! I felt like Michael Jackson and was not averse to moon walking round the links! Sir was not amused! Spoil sport. I just love to thrash about in the sandpit (bunker Robsey calls it). I can see myself being an expert on it very soon! Watch out Tiger Woods, I know this is a golfer and not the tiger advertising Kellogs Frosties!
See you next time.
“FORE!” (A golf term which means, ‘mind your bloody head,
mad person’s ball coming through’
P.D. Scott xxx