Thursday, 29 July 2010

July 30th 2010- Part fifteen
Tip of the day- Do not over use exclamation marks....nothing is that exciting!!!!!!!!!
I’ve decided to come clean about my cunning plan concerning the B.B.C. If you remember I was devastated at having received a rejection letter from them, saying they had read the first ten pages of my screen play but as they were so busy they weren’t going to take it any further. Well, I was discussing it with the deranged pair (Chris and Zoe) and they said I should send it in again. They seemed to think that if the readers were so busy they probably wouldn’t remember my script. Chris and Zoe were only joking, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. So I did a really cheeky thing. I printed off another page complete with a new title, accompanied it with a different letter containing a slightly different synopsis and without delay sent it to them again. A week later I had a card saying that my script was in the writers room waiting to be read and I would hear in a couple of months. How amusing would it be, if this time the same screenplay got through? I am a naughty minx! Failing this naughtiness, I have four more addresses to send my script to, including Channel 4 Television and Talkback Thames Production. I will not be beaten!! (Yet)
I had a very bad start to the week. My neighbour came knocking at my door looking slightly miffed. He explained that my darling bamboo had escaped from my garden and had turned up in the middle of his lawn. Crikey, I was dumbfounded, I knew it was over zealous in my garden but I hadn’t guessed it would go and visit the neighbours! After much debating, I agreed I would dig it up and put something nasty on the roots to stop it taking over the world. Life would have been so much simpler had I put in something a rose bush!
Each year I spend a lot of the summer going to barbeques, which is astounding really considering the English weather. The last one was hosted by (deranged friends) Chris and Zoe. For three years they both worked abroad as holiday reps. Last year they lived in Cancun, Mexico (yes through all the swine flu). Anyway I’m digressing, Chris made this ‘thing’ (side dish) called ceviche. It’s a Mexican seafood dish containing prawns, coriander, red onions, lime juice etc. It was so refreshing and I was so out Chef Ramsay! I spent the afternoon grappling with Zoe....trying to get the wine away from her! It’s sad how Zoe has a major problem sharing alcohol.......naughty whippersnapper!!! It’s when she’s indulging in wine that she starts to do ‘peculiar’ things. I guess we shouldn’t go there as this blog is not X-rated. That’s an idea. Blogs to be read after the watershed! I like it!!! Could Blogspot ban me from that, I wonder? I could call it ‘The Exploits of a Sex Fiend from the Suburbs!’ Or ‘Mr Darcy- Gentleman or Sex Pervert?’ Oh dear, I can hear Jane Austen spinning in her grave.
I recently read from somewhere on the internet that if in doubt when you are writing a screenplay put in a funny sex scene. I suppose it applies to books as well. I’m going with that theory anyway. So far my new book consists of around 7 funny sex scenes. Too much do you think? Probably!
You’ll all be disappointed to learn that Mr Darcy (the fox) has deserted my road. He has obviously had a better offer. No doubt in a neighbourhood known to have classier rubbish for him to rummage in, caviar or truffles for example. Mr Darcy is a scoundrel and a cad and must be expelled from polite society this instance!
What a disaster! Yesterday, I plunged myself into my rather full, bubble bath, which caused a mini Tsunami. A dangerous amount of water seeped down into the kitchen via the ceiling, perilously close to the electric spotlights. Obviously it wasn’t my time to meet my maker! Relief!! Must remember not to overfill bath in future, or take Colin Firth in to bathe with me....will have to stick with rubber duck (not so much fun).
See you later.
P.D. Scott xx

Thursday, 15 July 2010

July 16th 2010- Part fourteen
I start this blog with a little tinge of green on my skin....................No it isn’t war paint or a new tattoo of the ‘Incredible Hulk’, it is something called envy or maybe jealousy. I keep reading various articles about ‘Z’ list celebrities bringing out novels or autobiographies. I suppose that’s my one will take a chance on me because I am a nonentity. The answer is clear I have to do something so outrageous that I couldn’t possibly go under the radar! But I have a dilemma you see, I’m the sort of person who hates to fail at things and sometimes that even stops me from trying, but I mustn’t stop now! No publicity is bad publicity, so I have to think of something rebellious and shocking to do! Umm, a porn star it would be too much for my nun-like existence. Get caught doing something ‘unusual’ in Colin Firth’s back garden! Not sure about this one......I wouldn’t like to frighten his family. Chain and handcuff myself, to literary agents’ railings until my books get published..........good idea.............I like it! I quite fancy myself as Emmeline Pankhurst of the suffragette movement! Plus handcuffs in every situation are an absolute must!! Maybe the least said about my exploits with handcuffs the better!!!!
Manic Michelle (the pirate lover, who denies it a little too often) invited me over for a barbeque. I was surprised at the amount of unsavoury pirate sorts that were there, swigging the rum! One particularly interesting character was Ralph, well he said his name was Ralph but I suspected it may have been a cover up. His real name could have been Bluebeard for all I know. The jigging in the rigging type of dancing went down well with everyone. You can’t beat a sailor’s hornpipe to set the party in motion can you? I have no idea what makes pirates so fascinating to Michelle but the theme carries on! The day was lovely, got lots of ideas to put in my blogs, or books, mainly about the colourful characters...........of course I will change their names to protect the innocent!
The first half of the summer has been crammed full of sports, comprising mostly of tennis, and football, dotted with the occasional Ferret race of course. I have enjoyed the tennis, and as for the football............I’ve enjoyed the tennis. I’m sorry but I can’t get excited over men and their balls!!
My house smells unusually nice today. I have picked loads of English Lavender from my garden and placed it in vases around the house. It’s nicer than the normal aroma of the cat’s litter tray, I can assure you! My fluff ball of a feline must be the only cat that comes in from the garden to take a piddle. What a marvellous mental image you must have of my house.
It was a big mistake not to try out the new colour in my favourite make-up range before I purchased it from the shop. I simply applied the foundation and left the house, only to be informed by a number of now ex-friends that I resembled a Geisha girl. I am guessing it was a shade or two too light, white to be precise! It could have started a new trend I suppose, but I binned it anyway!
When Chris and Zoe (the deranged pair) moved to their enchanted flat, Chris left me with his set of weights. So I decided to get fit and banish my bingo wings. I took them into the empty, small bedroom.....loads of room to exercise and spread out. There used to be a futon in the room but it’s disappeared. Yes I know it’s careless to lose a futon, but I have a sneaky suspicion Zoe ran off with it! Anyway there I was leaping about to the dulcet tones of Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel like a demented Gazelle. Singing or should I say howling along to the song, whilst lifting the small sized weights up and down. I suddenly realised I was being watched by someone (no, not Hugh Grant). My window cleaner was looking at me and laughing his head off at my performance, trying his best not to fall from his ladder. I am blushing now, as I remember! It could have been worse I could have been prancing around in my underwear I suppose, but luckily I had my shorts and vest top on. He sent his helper to my front door to get the money. I can’t stand this guy...... he undresses you with his eyes..... he is nothing short of a sleaze bucket! I’m not usually hostile, but he has the kind of face you just want to slap. That was the first and last day of my fitness regime, and the last time I had the windows cleaned by the gruesome twosome.
Next blog I will spill the beans about the screen play! Ha-ha!!
Take care ‘til next time.
P.D. Scott xx

Thursday, 1 July 2010

More mad ranting!

July 2nd 2010- Part thirteen
After the negative feelings I’ve had since I received my rejection letter from the B.B.C., I took a few days to nurse my bruised ego with the help of vast amounts of chocolate. I then dusted myself down and bounced back up again! You can’t keep a good girl down for long and there’s no dignity in moping around! Two quotes put everything back into perspective. The first was from Henry Ford “The way to succeed is to double your failure rate.” The second was from Mary Kay Ash saying “Sandwich every bit of criticism between two layers of praise.” I’m not after world domination......I just want someone to take a chance on me and publish my books. I expect poor Colin Firth is devastated too, about my screenplay not coming to fruition! He must be chomping at the bit to play the sexy psychologist. I have put my cunning plan into action (see last blog). I don’t think I’ll admit what I’m up to yet, in case someone in the know gets wind of it, but I will tell you if and when I can...............ha-ha, I can’t help giggling inside.
Move over Nigella Lawson....I am now a domestic goddess of unrivalled cleverness! No I don’t mean in the culinary spicy meatballs are still revolting! They turn out as a spicy meat mess, not a ball in sight, actually! My creative genius is in the form of home-making. I have made a pair of curtains for Colin Firth’s room, when he finally moves in. Wow, how clever am I? It doesn’t matter that they are both different lengths does it? It is a fashion statement (it’s my story and I’m sticking to it). They look good when they’re open!
I have another rant coming on! What is it about the latest trend to wear your pyjamas to the supermarket? What’s that all about? Surely your night clothes are meant to be worn to bed (if Colin Firth’s not popping round for a sleep over). Or for simply, reclining on the sofa for a duvet day. Zoe, I know you’re my friend (deranged or not) but please take note, do not go to the shops in your P.J.’s to try to entice unsuspecting men back to your flat!! Rant over!
In the Royal British Legion near to where I live, there is a ‘Ladies Night’ coming up. I am being encouraged to go along and shake off my innocence. To be quite frank, naked firemen pointing their hoses and naked policeman waving their truncheons leaves me quite unmoved. I can assure you that if Colin Firth was on the stage showing off his rippling muscles and shaking his bits, I’d be in the front row!! So I will not be attending, in case I turn into a woman of easy virtue!
Every evening at precisely ten o’clock a fox comes visiting my road. It’s as if he has a very accurate time piece on his wrist. Do foxes have wrists? Even though there have been many documented reports on fox attacks on young children and small animals, I can’t help looking forward to his visits. I’ve named him ‘Mr Darcy’, as he’s quite dark, slim and saunters proudly down the road.........although I don’t think the human Mr Darcy would rip open rubbish sacks to find things to scavenge on, or like the fox leave little presents on the drive (poo)!!
Last Friday I ventured to the seaside with Captain Haddock. For any new readers to my blogs, Capt. Haddock is a car, not an unscrupulous, one legged pirate with a parrot on his shoulder! The weather was beautiful and I got my belly burnt (forgot the sun cream).Unfortunately the day was slightly marred by a terrifying experience! I got ambushed by a gang of evil seagulls........they waited until I was sitting comfortably and then about 6 million of them came after me. It was like a scene from Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’..............very scary! I suppose it will teach me not to have fish & chips on the beach.
Talking of scary things, my stalker (H.G. of Oxfordshire) has been absent of late. Has he finally got the message, I wonder? Oh no, he couldn’t be the phantom knicker, nicker could he? (See last blog) Odd things are once again afoot in the neighbourhood.
Please do not hurl heavy objects at your screen but I have made my first Christmas purchase of the year. I know I am a bit previous but before you ridicule me just think, I will have the last laugh when everyone else is scurrying about the shops on Christmas Eve while I will be reclining with my feet up!
I will tell you of any news in my next blog............ take care people!
That’s all folks!!
P.D. Scott xx