DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
July 16th 2010- Part fourteen
I start this blog with a little tinge of green on my skin....................No it isn’t war paint or a new tattoo of the ‘Incredible Hulk’, it is something called envy or maybe jealousy. I keep reading various articles about ‘Z’ list celebrities bringing out novels or autobiographies. I suppose that’s my problem...........no one will take a chance on me because I am a nonentity. The answer is clear I have to do something so outrageous that I couldn’t possibly go under the radar! But I have a dilemma you see, I’m the sort of person who hates to fail at things and sometimes that even stops me from trying, but I mustn’t stop now! No publicity is bad publicity, so I have to think of something rebellious and shocking to do! Umm, a porn star perhaps...............no it would be too much for my nun-like existence. Get caught doing something ‘unusual’ in Colin Firth’s back garden! Not sure about this one......I wouldn’t like to frighten his family. Chain and handcuff myself, to literary agents’ railings until my books get published..........good idea.............I like it! I quite fancy myself as Emmeline Pankhurst of the suffragette movement! Plus handcuffs in every situation are an absolute must!! Maybe the least said about my exploits with handcuffs the better!!!!
Manic Michelle (the pirate lover, who denies it a little too often) invited me over for a barbeque. I was surprised at the amount of unsavoury pirate sorts that were there, swigging the rum! One particularly interesting character was Ralph, well he said his name was Ralph but I suspected it may have been a cover up. His real name could have been Bluebeard for all I know. The jigging in the rigging type of dancing went down well with everyone. You can’t beat a sailor’s hornpipe to set the party in motion can you? I have no idea what makes pirates so fascinating to Michelle but the theme carries on! The day was lovely, got lots of ideas to put in my blogs, or books, mainly about the colourful characters...........of course I will change their names to protect the innocent!
The first half of the summer has been crammed full of sports, comprising mostly of tennis, and football, dotted with the occasional Ferret race of course. I have enjoyed the tennis, and as for the football............I’ve enjoyed the tennis. I’m sorry but I can’t get excited over men and their balls!!
My house smells unusually nice today. I have picked loads of English Lavender from my garden and placed it in vases around the house. It’s nicer than the normal aroma of the cat’s litter tray, I can assure you! My fluff ball of a feline must be the only cat that comes in from the garden to take a piddle. What a marvellous mental image you must have of my house.
It was a big mistake not to try out the new colour in my favourite make-up range before I purchased it from the shop. I simply applied the foundation and left the house, only to be informed by a number of now ex-friends that I resembled a Geisha girl. I am guessing it was a shade or two too light, white to be precise! It could have started a new trend I suppose, but I binned it anyway!
When Chris and Zoe (the deranged pair) moved to their enchanted flat, Chris left me with his set of weights. So I decided to get fit and banish my bingo wings. I took them into the empty, small bedroom.....loads of room to exercise and spread out. There used to be a futon in the room but it’s disappeared. Yes I know it’s careless to lose a futon, but I have a sneaky suspicion Zoe ran off with it! Anyway there I was leaping about to the dulcet tones of Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel like a demented Gazelle. Singing or should I say howling along to the song, whilst lifting the small sized weights up and down. I suddenly realised I was being watched by someone (no, not Hugh Grant). My window cleaner was looking at me and laughing his head off at my performance, trying his best not to fall from his ladder. I am blushing now, as I remember! It could have been worse I could have been prancing around in my underwear I suppose, but luckily I had my shorts and vest top on. He sent his helper to my front door to get the money. I can’t stand this guy...... he undresses you with his eyes..... he is nothing short of a sleaze bucket! I’m not usually hostile, but he has the kind of face you just want to slap. That was the first and last day of my fitness regime, and the last time I had the windows cleaned by the gruesome twosome.
Next blog I will spill the beans about the screen play! Ha-ha!!
Take care ‘til next time.
P.D. Scott xx