Thursday, 26 August 2010

28th August 2010 - Part 17

August 28th 2010-Part seventeen
I must start this blog by writing a retraction! In a few of my past blogs I may have led you to believe that manic Michelle has an ongoing fetish for pirates! I must admit I may have embellished the truth slightly. Michelle does not have pirate barbeques, nor does she have fortnightly pirate meetings. She does not have a yearly trip to Majorca to watch the ‘Pirates’ show. Nor does she walk about her village with pirate clothes on......that would just be weird. Michelle is not going away this weekend to another pirate convention (she is). There I think I have wriggled out of that quite well!
News flash! The B.B.C. sent me a rejection letter last week, worded exactly the same as the previous one concerning my screenplay. I’m not down about it, but it would have been an absolute hoot if they’d accepted it this time under another title. I have already posted it away again to another company (Channel 4 television). I’m very upbeat about everything and have taken it unusually well. You don’t think I could be getting used to being rejected do you? I suppose it depends what time of the month I receive the rejection letter (if you get my meaning).
I haven’t heard anything from the Short Story Competition yet, I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. The entries were due in on the 21st of August, the winner receives a net book and their story will be published on the website. Even if I don’t win, it has been an experience and I will let you know if a miracle does happen.
Now from literary news, we move to my neighbourhood gossip. My good friend Sara, but we’ll call her ‘Liz’ for the sake of her anonymity, took her son to the doctor’s with a urine sample, as he wasn’t his usual cheeky self. When it was time to phone the doctor for the results, she asked if she could make the call from my house, in case it was bad news. I didn’t mind at all, and sat next to her with a box of tissues and my shoulder to cry on if need be. She looked relieved as she put the handset down. Apparently all it needed was a course of antibiotics because ‘Liz’ explained that her little boy had traces of orgasms in his urine. I was shocked to say the least as he was only 3, but later found out what she meant to say was organisms. Dear ‘Liz’ (not Sara) has her own vocabulary for everything and makes me howl with laughter!
I told you in the last blog, how I had a mammoth clear out to rid myself of some hideous clothes. I decided it was high time I treated myself to some new underwear. You never know when you’ll be called upon to flash your knickers, so it is important to have a few new vibrant pairs at the ready. My mum told me to make sure you always had nice underwear on, in case of accidents! It’s quite amusing really, as I don’t suppose the doctors are really that bothered if you have a nice matching bra and pants set on when you are being wheeled into the emergency room at the local hospital! The burning question is do I buy lovely coloured ‘Bolster Holders’? Or do I buy ‘virginal white’ which soon turns to ‘chewing gum grey’? I don’t know why the manufacturers don’t make them grey to start with and just be done with it!
So now my wardrobe is in order I am going to attack my bedroom. Out with the satin duvet covers and fitted sheets. They look very seductive and alluring if you are having someone special to ‘stay over’ but it’s a devil of a job to keep yourself secure in bed. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to retrieve my pillow from the floor in the middle of the night. I will keep the pillow cases though, because satin is excellent to stop you waking up with mega-deep furrows on your face (not the best look). I also need to buy a headboard so I won’t get so many scratch marks up the wallpaper. The least said about that the better........
My unusual and sordid catalogue has arrived once more from Amsterdam (see part 16). This time they’ve sent me a complimentary D.V.D to view at my leisure. I’m honestly not a prude but goodness me I will find it difficult to ever look at, or eat, an onion ring again. How the devil they film some of the angles I’ll never know! Chris, (my deranged friend) is convinced that my Christmas card catalogue has diversified into smut...........I don’t think so! I have to be very careful when I put the shredded catalogues into the recycling bag. I don’t know what the neighbours would think if they saw buxom, naked, ladies blowing up and down the road! It could be worse I suppose, they could send a rep round to show me his wares!
I forgot to tell you about my new follower on Twitter. You’ll never guess. I’m being followed by P.D. Scott! Yes that’s right, I had a direct message from P.D. telling me he had received a few messages that were meant for me. He is male, I’m not! He lives in Ireland, I don’t! He doesn’t fancy Colin Firth although he knows where I’m coming from, ha-ha. So if you want to follow my inane tweets on Twitter it is pdscott_ (remember to add the little line) or if you want to follow the other person, leave the line out. As Alexander the meerkat would say *SIMPLES!*

Bye for now.
P.D. Scott

Thursday, 12 August 2010

More mad rantings!

August 12th 2010-Part sixteen
Why oh why, can’t I just once wake up without looking as if I have been spewed from the bowels of hell? If I were a Hollywood Superstar I would rise from my bed with full make-up and not a hair out of place. As it is, I look like a migrating Yak (a very stylish and chic one of course). I figure I wasn’t put on this earth to be a Siren or sex-goddess. I suppose I’m more of a ‘girl next door’ type, but if you lived next door to me no doubt you would put your house on the market instantly!
I have been on a mission since I wrote the last blog. I have made a drastic decision to change myself, starting with my sinister belongings. A sophisticated, chic woman would not have a plastic penis with eyes, hanging from her kitchen cupboard, so that was first to go! Next I rooted through my extremely sad C.D. collection. Oh my! I’m not even going to admit to some of the outrageous monsters that were lurking in the rack. Then it was on to my wardrobe. Any item of apparel that hadn’t been worn since the old king was on the throne or didn’t fit over my bulging curves was thrown into a black sack. I took time to colour code my clothes, so I could see at a glance what elegant piece would match another. I bet you think I have too much time on my could be right! What on earth the local charity shop will make of all my gifts heaven only knows. I will be checking daily to see if my plastic penis key ring is displayed proudly in the window. Suggest it won’t be. I feel much better for ridding myself of all the abominable clutter. I am cleansed of everything mischievous and corrupt, which must make me grown-up and polished now, mustn’t it? Must put the house up for sale immediately and buy a more stylish abode in Chiswick! Then book in for a charisma and head transplant, then I’ll be sorted!
Every 6 weeks or so, the postman delivers a rather dubious catalogue to me. It is full of unsavoury and unusual items! How can I write this without causing offence? Right I’ll come straight out and say it – SEX TOYS! How they got my name and address I’ll never know, it’s not as if I’ve ever purchased a ‘battery powered appliance’ from them. Wait a minute I don’t think I ordered my pink, fluffy handcuffs from them! O.K. let’s move on..........
For the moment, I’ve given my novel a rest because I suddenly had a mega inspiration for a new screenplay. No sexy psychologist this time for Colin Firth to play, but there is another part he could portray if things are desperate for him! I am very excited about the play which helps my creative juices to keep flowing. I’ve also just completed writing a short story for a’s all go you know! I hardly have time to blow my nose these days.
I’m having a dilemma concerning a neighbour! Her house backs onto mine, with our gardens separating us. Every time she has a shower, the entire world can see her bits and bobs through her window, even though her bathroom window is frosted. If I knew her it wouldn’t be a problem, I would simply go round to her house and let her know that she is giving the neighbours a free show every time she does her ablutions! But as I have never uttered a single word to her it seems wrong to knock on her door and tell her the news! Perhaps I should write an anonymous letter and post it through her door but that seems slightly cowardly. I wish I was a nicer person and then I would do the right thing! I’ve just thought! Maybe the woman is an exhibitionist and enjoys shaking her ample body for everyone to see. Oh well, I’ll let sleeping dogs lie then.
Talking about neighbours, the couple next door have just adopted a 3yr old little girl. Once their house was a quiet, incomplete dwelling but through the thin walls I can hear the laughter and contentment of a happy family playing. Perfect! No I am not feeling broody, honest.
Right I’m off to find something diabolical to do now.
P.D. Scott xx