DIARY OF AFRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
August 12th 2010-Part sixteen
Why oh why, can’t I just once wake up without looking as if I have been spewed from the bowels of hell? If I were a Hollywood Superstar I would rise from my bed with full make-up and not a hair out of place. As it is, I look like a migrating Yak (a very stylish and chic one of course). I figure I wasn’t put on this earth to be a Siren or sex-goddess. I suppose I’m more of a ‘girl next door’ type, but if you lived next door to me no doubt you would put your house on the market instantly!
I have been on a mission since I wrote the last blog. I have made a drastic decision to change myself, starting with my sinister belongings. A sophisticated, chic woman would not have a plastic penis with eyes, hanging from her kitchen cupboard, so that was first to go! Next I rooted through my extremely sad C.D. collection. Oh my! I’m not even going to admit to some of the outrageous monsters that were lurking in the rack. Then it was on to my wardrobe. Any item of apparel that hadn’t been worn since the old king was on the throne or didn’t fit over my bulging curves was thrown into a black sack. I took time to colour code my clothes, so I could see at a glance what elegant piece would match another. I bet you think I have too much time on my hands...........you could be right! What on earth the local charity shop will make of all my gifts heaven only knows. I will be checking daily to see if my plastic penis key ring is displayed proudly in the window. Suggest it won’t be. I feel much better for ridding myself of all the abominable clutter. I am cleansed of everything mischievous and corrupt, which must make me grown-up and polished now, mustn’t it? Must put the house up for sale immediately and buy a more stylish abode in Chiswick! Then book in for a charisma and head transplant, then I’ll be sorted!
Every 6 weeks or so, the postman delivers a rather dubious catalogue to me. It is full of unsavoury and unusual items! How can I write this without causing offence? Right I’ll come straight out and say it – SEX TOYS! How they got my name and address I’ll never know, it’s not as if I’ve ever purchased a ‘battery powered appliance’ from them. Wait a minute I don’t think I ordered my pink, fluffy handcuffs from them! O.K. let’s move on..........
For the moment, I’ve given my novel a rest because I suddenly had a mega inspiration for a new screenplay. No sexy psychologist this time for Colin Firth to play, but there is another part he could portray if things are desperate for him! I am very excited about the play which helps my creative juices to keep flowing. I’ve also just completed writing a short story for a competition......it’s all go you know! I hardly have time to blow my nose these days.
I’m having a dilemma concerning a neighbour! Her house backs onto mine, with our gardens separating us. Every time she has a shower, the entire world can see her bits and bobs through her window, even though her bathroom window is frosted. If I knew her it wouldn’t be a problem, I would simply go round to her house and let her know that she is giving the neighbours a free show every time she does her ablutions! But as I have never uttered a single word to her it seems wrong to knock on her door and tell her the news! Perhaps I should write an anonymous letter and post it through her door but that seems slightly cowardly. I wish I was a nicer person and then I would do the right thing! I’ve just thought! Maybe the woman is an exhibitionist and enjoys shaking her ample body for everyone to see. Oh well, I’ll let sleeping dogs lie then.
Talking about neighbours, the couple next door have just adopted a 3yr old little girl. Once their house was a quiet, incomplete dwelling but through the thin walls I can hear the laughter and contentment of a happy family playing. Perfect! No I am not feeling broody, honest.
Right I’m off to find something diabolical to do now.
P.D. Scott xx