28th August 2010 - Part 17

DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
August 28th 2010-Part seventeen
I must start this blog by writing a retraction! In a few of my past blogs I may have led you to believe that manic Michelle has an ongoing fetish for pirates! I must admit I may have embellished the truth slightly. Michelle does not have pirate barbeques, nor does she have fortnightly pirate meetings. She does not have a yearly trip to Majorca to watch the ‘Pirates’ show. Nor does she walk about her village with pirate clothes on......that would just be weird. Michelle is not going away this weekend to another pirate convention (she is). There I think I have wriggled out of that quite well!
News flash! The B.B.C. sent me a rejection letter last week, worded exactly the same as the previous one concerning my screenplay. I’m not down about it, but it would have been an absolute hoot if they’d accepted it this time under another title. I have already posted it away again to another company (Channel 4 television). I’m very upbeat about everything and have taken it unusually well. You don’t think I could be getting used to being rejected do you? I suppose it depends what time of the month I receive the rejection letter (if you get my meaning).
I haven’t heard anything from the Short Story Competition yet, I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. The entries were due in on the 21st of August, the winner receives a net book and their story will be published on the website. Even if I don’t win, it has been an experience and I will let you know if a miracle does happen.
Now from literary news, we move to my neighbourhood gossip. My good friend Sara, but we’ll call her ‘Liz’ for the sake of her anonymity, took her son to the doctor’s with a urine sample, as he wasn’t his usual cheeky self. When it was time to phone the doctor for the results, she asked if she could make the call from my house, in case it was bad news. I didn’t mind at all, and sat next to her with a box of tissues and my shoulder to cry on if need be. She looked relieved as she put the handset down. Apparently all it needed was a course of antibiotics because ‘Liz’ explained that her little boy had traces of orgasms in his urine. I was shocked to say the least as he was only 3, but later found out what she meant to say was organisms. Dear ‘Liz’ (not Sara) has her own vocabulary for everything and makes me howl with laughter!
I told you in the last blog, how I had a mammoth clear out to rid myself of some hideous clothes. I decided it was high time I treated myself to some new underwear. You never know when you’ll be called upon to flash your knickers, so it is important to have a few new vibrant pairs at the ready. My mum told me to make sure you always had nice underwear on, in case of accidents! It’s quite amusing really, as I don’t suppose the doctors are really that bothered if you have a nice matching bra and pants set on when you are being wheeled into the emergency room at the local hospital! The burning question is do I buy lovely coloured ‘Bolster Holders’? Or do I buy ‘virginal white’ which soon turns to ‘chewing gum grey’? I don’t know why the manufacturers don’t make them grey to start with and just be done with it!
So now my wardrobe is in order I am going to attack my bedroom. Out with the satin duvet covers and fitted sheets. They look very seductive and alluring if you are having someone special to ‘stay over’ but it’s a devil of a job to keep yourself secure in bed. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to retrieve my pillow from the floor in the middle of the night. I will keep the pillow cases though, because satin is excellent to stop you waking up with mega-deep furrows on your face (not the best look). I also need to buy a headboard so I won’t get so many scratch marks up the wallpaper. The least said about that the better........
My unusual and sordid catalogue has arrived once more from Amsterdam (see part 16). This time they’ve sent me a complimentary D.V.D to view at my leisure. I’m honestly not a prude but goodness me I will find it difficult to ever look at, or eat, an onion ring again. How the devil they film some of the angles I’ll never know! Chris, (my deranged friend) is convinced that my Christmas card catalogue has diversified into smut...........I don’t think so! I have to be very careful when I put the shredded catalogues into the recycling bag. I don’t know what the neighbours would think if they saw buxom, naked, ladies blowing up and down the road! It could be worse I suppose, they could send a rep round to show me his wares!
I forgot to tell you about my new follower on Twitter. You’ll never guess. I’m being followed by P.D. Scott! Yes that’s right, I had a direct message from P.D. telling me he had received a few messages that were meant for me. He is male, I’m not! He lives in Ireland, I don’t! He doesn’t fancy Colin Firth although he knows where I’m coming from, ha-ha. So if you want to follow my inane tweets on Twitter it is pdscott_ (remember to add the little line) or if you want to follow the other person, leave the line out. As Alexander the meerkat would say *SIMPLES!*

Bye for now.
P.D. Scott