November 2010- Part twenty-three

DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
November 2010- Part twenty-three
I have to admit I am getting very disillusioned with this literary lark there seems to be absolutely nothing on the horizon. It appears the only thing in my life I have to look forward to in the far distant future, is the latest design of incontinence pads! Great! I look forward to that immensely! I’m not as depressed as that makes me sound but you try living with rejection after rejection! I do hate it when people call it feedback......its rejection, pure and simple! Rant over! You are safe to come out from behind the sofa.
At last I have found somebody to accompany me to my belly dancing classes. My deranged friend Zoe has volunteered to learn to ripple and thrust along side of me. It’s so exciting....I can’t wait. Until we go to our first lesson I have been viewing erotic belly dancing on You-Tube. Think I may model myself on Shakira’s dancing. I’ve just about managed to master ‘snake arms’ but it’s very hard to learn the hip movements! Watch out Colin Firth I will be in your favourite restaurant soon to pulsate my body over your couscous! Oh I say matron! I wonder where you buy tassels to stick on your nipples.....umm.
As well as being obsessed with Colin Firth I am a list obsessive too! I always make lists about everything! Does that make me a control freak? Routine and lists are my world......nothing spontaneous to upset the apple cart. My latest list is a Christmas list for Santa- Dear F. Christmas. I have been a good-ish girl and so I would like a mood changing lipstick, literary agent, pink-fluffy handcuffs (others have broken through rough play), grow your own boyfriend, Easter egg (should be in the shops by December), a new jar of chocolate body paint to replace the last (now rancid through lack of use), luminous green feather boa, a handbag, a satsuma and last but not least Colin Firth dressed as Mr Darcy!! I have a bucket list too, but I will not publish that because it concerns a certain actor, a leather horse whip and a bouncy castle!!!
It’s really chilly today here in London, it’s enough to make your ‘raspberry ripples’ stand to attention. I could seriously cut glass with them!
Christmas is well on the way. I can’t believe it is almost a year since I received my weird but wonderful Christmas pressie from ‘deranged friends’ Chris and Zoe. Not everyone can boast they were given Christmas tree seeds with reindeer poo to plant out in their garden. For 7 months I have watched and waited for any sign of life from under the soil. I hoped by now I would at least see one token shoot breaking through, but no. I may have to face the fact that my pipedream of decorating my own tree is not going to happen. I can’t wait to see what they buy me this year!
I can tell you something they definitely won’t be buying me...........a Merkin! I read an article about this exciting new gift idea! Anyone who is unfamiliar with the name will be astounded to learn that it is the name given to a pubic wig! Actors, actresses, prostitutes, arty-farty types or ladies just wanting to give their partners a surprise, buy them from specialist shops. It is said that the ‘Brazilian’ and the ‘Landing strip’ are out of fashion ‘down there’......the Merkin is the way to go! You can get them readily in all colours and shapes, from a red love heart to a National flag. How very patriotic! I’m not sure how our queen would feel about people flashing their Merkins along to ‘God Save the Queen’!
The guy next door has volunteered his services to be Father Christmas this year for a charity event. You see the real Santa will obviously be too busy checking on the reindeer and the elves, to be able to do it himself! Admittedly he won’t need the padding around his middle! The sad thing is he isn’t allowed to let the children sit on his knee to talk to him. People are worried he could be accused of ‘touching up’ the ankle biters! How sad is that? Next they’ll be testing the Easter bunny for rabies and frisking the Tooth fairy for sharp objects and explosive devices. Ridiculous!
Can I just put in a huge message of congratulations to my dear deranged friends Chris and Zoe. Chris got down on one knee and proposed (marriage). Fantastic news! Trust Prince William and Kate to spoil their thunder and announce their engagement too!
Oh well that completes another lot of my garrulous scribbling!
Take care until next time.
P.D. Scott. Xx
Warning : Next blog ‘Christmas at Pemberley!’