DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
May 1st 2010-Part nine
On Wednesday I’m off to sunny Cyprus, the island of love. In Greek mythology, the goddess of love was born of the sea foam and drifted ashore in Cyprus on a sea shell.
I can’t wait! It’s an all inclusive, adults only, holiday. On the plus side I won’t get a beach ball hurled at my head by an energetic child in the swimming pool but on the down side I confess I will miss the ‘mini disco’. You can’t beat throwing some shapes on the dance floor to old classics like ‘Superman’ or ‘The Birdie Song’. I can’t help liking stupid songs! At least no children will be injured as I race to the front to do ‘Cartoon Heroes’ with the reps!!
I need a break to rest my mind from the enthusiastic characters from my novel....... they are literally running wild in my head! So I will just concentrate on relaxing and having some fun in the sun.
I bet you didn’t know, the cauliflower is said to have been introduced to Europe from Cyprus in 1604. Didn’t know and couldn’t care less eh? But just think what on earth would you put in your cauliflower cheese?
I’m looking forward to seeing the Loggerhead turtles in Cyprus, as long as it doesn’t involve going on the water. I hate boats......I only have to see one and I feel like vomiting. Manic Michelle took me to see Titanic at the cinema quite a few years back........it wasn’t good. I had to go straight home to bed because I felt so sea-sick....yuk!!! Hugh Grant’s always trying to get me to go on a rowing boat with him around Ruislip Lido but I’m not having any of it. I hope he doesn’t follow me to Cyprus...........it gets tiresome hiding from the floppy-haired stalker!
Although I’m very fond of the Greek cuisine I’m going to be very cautious. On a trip to Sardinia I had a lovely steak from the barbeque, yes it was steak but it wasn’t beef steak...............it was horse!! Oh my goodness I had been chomping on ‘Dobbin’ the flipping carthorse. It left me feeling very disturbed for the rest of the holiday...............many people say I’m still disturbed but for completely different reasons. When we went to The Seychelles, deranged Chris ordered Bat curry from a local restaurant we tried one evening. I felt really sorry for him as everyone at our table of 10 wanted to try it, so Chris ended up with only a small amount for himself. It always makes me titter with laughter when I go abroad and see Colin on the menu. So many European countries call the fish Pollock, Colin! I always order it because it’s the only time that I’ll ever get a nibble of Colin; even if it isn’t of the Firth variety. I’m so bad!!
I’d like to wish my deranged friends Chris and Zoe good luck in their X-Factor auditions (happening today). Whatever happens they are both stars in my eyes!!
Right I’m off to paint my toenails for the holiday and do some other personal things that might make my eyes water. Life’s a beach!
P.D. Scott xxx
Friday, 30 April 2010
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Part 8 - 16th April 2010
DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
APRIL 16th 2010- Part eight
Tip of the day- Don’t wear g-strings if you have piles!
Have you seen the new mood changing lipstick? It is supposed to change colour based on your level of hormones. Sheer gloss would mean ‘Men, nothing’s happening you may as well go and paint a wall’. Whereas deep crimson would mean ‘Colin Firth come and get me!!’ Although it would be a good ice-breaker, I think it could be slightly dangerous. What would happen to poor old Doris from the post office? She may have raided her well worn make-up bag and got out her trusty old lipstick from the sixties (crimson). Could she cope with the unwanted attention from young male studs looking for a ‘good time’? Knowing Doris I suppose she could give them a run for their money!
No update to report from the B.B.C. about my thrilling script, still early days I guess. They’ve warned me it could take months! My third novel is going well I’m on page 109, and the ideas are flooding in faster than I can put them down on paper. You wouldn’t so much call it a page-turner ......it’s more of a pulse-throbber!!
Colin Firth this is your final chance to have that life changing experience. The spare room is ready for you! The wardrobe is waiting to be filled with spandex jumpsuits, white breeches and suits by Tom Ford. The shelves are empty...... plenty of room for your Baftas and Oscars (next year’s of course). I have no objections to you walking round the house in a dripping wet shirt (in fact I’d insist on it!) If you don’t pop round I will be tempted to let the room to Prince William, I’m sure he could do with a bolt hole away from the palaces. I realise my lawn isn’t big enough to land a helicopter and my drive isn’t large enough for a fancy limo but there is plenty of room in the garage for a push-bike or two and the house is only 10 minutes away from R.A.F Northolt. You never know ‘Wills’ may get to love shopping T.V. too! As you can see there’s a fine line between reality and fantasy. It doesn’t take much to slip from one into another, especially in my world of creative writing. Reality is sooooo depressing!
My crazy, deranged friends Chris and Zoe have got their audition date for the X-Factor. They have got to be in London on May 1st to sing for the producers. Unfortunately they don’t get to meet the judges at this stage but at least they’re on their way! In the meantime they have to practice their songs.......heaven help the neighbours. Once the howling starts there will probably be a mass exodus from Ruislip Manor!! I’m unsure of the songs they’ve chosen but I feel I must say, guys keep your clothes on and Zoe don’t flaunt your fairy cakes at the producers!
Last Friday I went on a day trip to Hampshire (Jane Austen’s county) with Captain Haddock. On our way down to Hayling Island we made a detour to Grayshott where a certain Mr Colin Firth was born, swoon.... swoon!! It is a typical, quaint, English village just as you’d imagine with a village square and two village greens. I had ‘Fish ‘n’ Chips’ on the sea front because the weather was unexpectedly warm, I burnt the back of my neck........summer is here at last! Just in case you’re wondering about Captain Haddock, he isn’t an old sea-dog friend of the pirate-loving Michelle, who has swept me off my feet. No Captain Haddock is the name of the car. Doesn’t everyone name their car? No? Just me then!!
O.K. I suppose I should get back to writing my novel because you never know when a plague of frogs will come to render me incapable! Anyway after I’ve done a few more pages I want a couple of hours of shopping T.V. (the Sit-up channels) before I turn in tonight!
P.D. Scott. xx
APRIL 16th 2010- Part eight
Tip of the day- Don’t wear g-strings if you have piles!
Have you seen the new mood changing lipstick? It is supposed to change colour based on your level of hormones. Sheer gloss would mean ‘Men, nothing’s happening you may as well go and paint a wall’. Whereas deep crimson would mean ‘Colin Firth come and get me!!’ Although it would be a good ice-breaker, I think it could be slightly dangerous. What would happen to poor old Doris from the post office? She may have raided her well worn make-up bag and got out her trusty old lipstick from the sixties (crimson). Could she cope with the unwanted attention from young male studs looking for a ‘good time’? Knowing Doris I suppose she could give them a run for their money!
No update to report from the B.B.C. about my thrilling script, still early days I guess. They’ve warned me it could take months! My third novel is going well I’m on page 109, and the ideas are flooding in faster than I can put them down on paper. You wouldn’t so much call it a page-turner ......it’s more of a pulse-throbber!!
Colin Firth this is your final chance to have that life changing experience. The spare room is ready for you! The wardrobe is waiting to be filled with spandex jumpsuits, white breeches and suits by Tom Ford. The shelves are empty...... plenty of room for your Baftas and Oscars (next year’s of course). I have no objections to you walking round the house in a dripping wet shirt (in fact I’d insist on it!) If you don’t pop round I will be tempted to let the room to Prince William, I’m sure he could do with a bolt hole away from the palaces. I realise my lawn isn’t big enough to land a helicopter and my drive isn’t large enough for a fancy limo but there is plenty of room in the garage for a push-bike or two and the house is only 10 minutes away from R.A.F Northolt. You never know ‘Wills’ may get to love shopping T.V. too! As you can see there’s a fine line between reality and fantasy. It doesn’t take much to slip from one into another, especially in my world of creative writing. Reality is sooooo depressing!
My crazy, deranged friends Chris and Zoe have got their audition date for the X-Factor. They have got to be in London on May 1st to sing for the producers. Unfortunately they don’t get to meet the judges at this stage but at least they’re on their way! In the meantime they have to practice their songs.......heaven help the neighbours. Once the howling starts there will probably be a mass exodus from Ruislip Manor!! I’m unsure of the songs they’ve chosen but I feel I must say, guys keep your clothes on and Zoe don’t flaunt your fairy cakes at the producers!
Last Friday I went on a day trip to Hampshire (Jane Austen’s county) with Captain Haddock. On our way down to Hayling Island we made a detour to Grayshott where a certain Mr Colin Firth was born, swoon.... swoon!! It is a typical, quaint, English village just as you’d imagine with a village square and two village greens. I had ‘Fish ‘n’ Chips’ on the sea front because the weather was unexpectedly warm, I burnt the back of my neck........summer is here at last! Just in case you’re wondering about Captain Haddock, he isn’t an old sea-dog friend of the pirate-loving Michelle, who has swept me off my feet. No Captain Haddock is the name of the car. Doesn’t everyone name their car? No? Just me then!!
O.K. I suppose I should get back to writing my novel because you never know when a plague of frogs will come to render me incapable! Anyway after I’ve done a few more pages I want a couple of hours of shopping T.V. (the Sit-up channels) before I turn in tonight!
P.D. Scott. xx
Sunday, 4 April 2010
Part 7 - 31st Mar 2010
DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
March 31st 2010-Part seven
Can it be true are bum bags really back in fashion? I am convinced some drunken fashion designer sits behind his huge desk trying to find ways to make the general public look like idiots. Well no matter how hot bum bags get I will not be wearing one. Neither will I be sporting a pair of 3D glasses in the cinema......yes I realise its dark but there’s no excuse not to look stylish and elegant at all times. You never know who you might end up sitting next to (Colin Firth). He can share my popcorn anytime!
My diet is going well. I have lost a stone and have ordered some clothes in a smaller size. There was a report saying that if you have a glass of red wine everyday it can be a slimming aid. How great is that? It is the answer to all my problems........just imagine how much I could lose if I drink the whole bottle? Does it work like that? Yeah!!!!!! If the red wine fails I have seen a pair of jeans with a secret panel. Apparently when you slip into them they wrench up your buttocks in one swift movement giving you a marvellous uplift! Fab or what?
I had a postcard from the B.B.C. informing me that my script is in the ‘Writers room’ and it will be read within the next few months. I expect Colin Firth is constantly begging them to take a look at the new script, I bet he can’t wait to start filming! They should scrap the coverage of the Grand Prix and plough the money back into finding exciting new screen writers!
The sun is out and so are the stilettos. I felt like the bees’ knees as I meandered down to Eastcote High Street, until I got my heel stuck in a drain cover. Unfortunately it’s not a good look trying to stay calm and collected as you do your best to wriggle free without attracting too much attention. I bet it never happens to beautiful people like Kate Winslet or Dame Edna Everage!
My manic friend Michelle is back from the Caribbean. She’s the one that denies any pirate fetish. I did warn her before she went that she wouldn’t see Jack Sparrow and his fiendish friends but did she listen? No! She had a lovely time anyway and didn’t seem too distressed about the lack of naughty boys on ships!
Zoe and Chris (the deranged pair) have made their flat very cosy. Zoe has gone for the ‘Enchanted Kingdom’ look because she is convinced she is a fairy...... ...do fairies play topless, beach-volley ball? Chris has concentrated more on ‘boys toys’ coupled with a hint of Spiderman (Its best not to know). It looks very welcoming..........if a little unusual.
I have a wicked glint in my eye because I’m feeling extremely mischievous today. So I’m off to cause some trouble. I will either do a streak down Chiswick High Rd (Mr Firth may be there) or else I could do a spot of cow tipping! Perhaps I shouldn’t streak, can you imagine the headlines? Actor Colin Firth was mown down by a naked woman as he wandered down the High Rd in West London. The A-list star is said to be recovering in a private clinic. His agent said simply “He is a gibbering wreck!” Cow tipping it is then!!
P.D. Scott. X
March 31st 2010-Part seven
Can it be true are bum bags really back in fashion? I am convinced some drunken fashion designer sits behind his huge desk trying to find ways to make the general public look like idiots. Well no matter how hot bum bags get I will not be wearing one. Neither will I be sporting a pair of 3D glasses in the cinema......yes I realise its dark but there’s no excuse not to look stylish and elegant at all times. You never know who you might end up sitting next to (Colin Firth). He can share my popcorn anytime!
My diet is going well. I have lost a stone and have ordered some clothes in a smaller size. There was a report saying that if you have a glass of red wine everyday it can be a slimming aid. How great is that? It is the answer to all my problems........just imagine how much I could lose if I drink the whole bottle? Does it work like that? Yeah!!!!!! If the red wine fails I have seen a pair of jeans with a secret panel. Apparently when you slip into them they wrench up your buttocks in one swift movement giving you a marvellous uplift! Fab or what?
I had a postcard from the B.B.C. informing me that my script is in the ‘Writers room’ and it will be read within the next few months. I expect Colin Firth is constantly begging them to take a look at the new script, I bet he can’t wait to start filming! They should scrap the coverage of the Grand Prix and plough the money back into finding exciting new screen writers!
The sun is out and so are the stilettos. I felt like the bees’ knees as I meandered down to Eastcote High Street, until I got my heel stuck in a drain cover. Unfortunately it’s not a good look trying to stay calm and collected as you do your best to wriggle free without attracting too much attention. I bet it never happens to beautiful people like Kate Winslet or Dame Edna Everage!
My manic friend Michelle is back from the Caribbean. She’s the one that denies any pirate fetish. I did warn her before she went that she wouldn’t see Jack Sparrow and his fiendish friends but did she listen? No! She had a lovely time anyway and didn’t seem too distressed about the lack of naughty boys on ships!
Zoe and Chris (the deranged pair) have made their flat very cosy. Zoe has gone for the ‘Enchanted Kingdom’ look because she is convinced she is a fairy...... ...do fairies play topless, beach-volley ball? Chris has concentrated more on ‘boys toys’ coupled with a hint of Spiderman (Its best not to know). It looks very welcoming..........if a little unusual.
I have a wicked glint in my eye because I’m feeling extremely mischievous today. So I’m off to cause some trouble. I will either do a streak down Chiswick High Rd (Mr Firth may be there) or else I could do a spot of cow tipping! Perhaps I shouldn’t streak, can you imagine the headlines? Actor Colin Firth was mown down by a naked woman as he wandered down the High Rd in West London. The A-list star is said to be recovering in a private clinic. His agent said simply “He is a gibbering wreck!” Cow tipping it is then!!
P.D. Scott. X
Part 6 - 15th Mar 2010
DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
Mar. 15th 2010 – part six
Well, I have good news and bad news. I have had yet another knock back from the publishers. According to them, they have such a high volume of work they aren’t taking anyone else onto their books. In other words your book is crap and we will not be taking a risk on it!!! I’ve still got to hear from one more literary agent to turn me down, but in the meantime I have sent my screenplay off to the script room at the B.B.C. Apparently you don’t need an agent with them. They get around 10,000 scripts sent to them each year so it will be around 4 months until I hear one way or another. I was feeling so optimistic a couple of weeks ago but I’m not sure I’m cut out to take all these knocks and setbacks. I guess this is how Hugh Grant must feel when I keep turning him down. I wish he’d get the message and stop ringing! At least he hasn’t found me on Facebook yet.....
If that wasn’t bad enough Colin Firth still hasn’t moved into my spare room.........to be quite frank he hasn’t even enquired about it yet. I guess he hasn’t seen my card in the newsagent’s window!!!! Doesn’t he realise I’d peel and feed him grapes while he reclined and watched the ‘Jerry Springer’ show? Surely he’d prefer my life to tripping the light fantastic on the red carpet with his beautiful co-stars? There is no comparison really!
I’m in the middle of writing the most taxing chapter of my book. It’s very difficult to write because it’s crammed full of s*x. I’m blushing even thinking about it! Let’s just say it’s not a book you could lend your dear old Aunt Jessica , or even your rather strange Uncle Trevor. If only my neighbours knew what I was writing about behind closed curtains.
I watched the film ‘Becoming Jane’ the other evening. It was about the writer Jane Austen, she never married but she did manage to make her living by her pen. I would have loved to have lived in that era.....everyone was so polite. All the men were ‘agreeable’ and the women were frequently ‘diverted’. Yes I think I would have liked to be agreeably diverted by a man like Mr Darcy in his white breeches. No need for Tommy and Kate handbags, you could hide everything in your underskirts. A great place for packed lunches and a flask! The only problem I can see is no shopping T.V. and I can’t possibly give that up.........I am addicted.
Note to Simon Cowell: If you have any sense you will leave the country before the X-Factor auditions begin. My deranged friends Chris and Zoe are entering and I think Zoe may try to allure Simon with her ‘fairy cakes’. (Is it me or does that sound a bit iffy?) Chris is working on a sob story,(no one gets through unless you had a bad childhood etc.) but I fear the only crying will be when he starts to sing. Anyway beware!!!
Now to get busy with my spring cleaning, what I can’t do with a feather duster isn’t worth doing!!
Catch you next time....................
P. D. Scott.
Mar. 15th 2010 – part six
Well, I have good news and bad news. I have had yet another knock back from the publishers. According to them, they have such a high volume of work they aren’t taking anyone else onto their books. In other words your book is crap and we will not be taking a risk on it!!! I’ve still got to hear from one more literary agent to turn me down, but in the meantime I have sent my screenplay off to the script room at the B.B.C. Apparently you don’t need an agent with them. They get around 10,000 scripts sent to them each year so it will be around 4 months until I hear one way or another. I was feeling so optimistic a couple of weeks ago but I’m not sure I’m cut out to take all these knocks and setbacks. I guess this is how Hugh Grant must feel when I keep turning him down. I wish he’d get the message and stop ringing! At least he hasn’t found me on Facebook yet.....
If that wasn’t bad enough Colin Firth still hasn’t moved into my spare room.........to be quite frank he hasn’t even enquired about it yet. I guess he hasn’t seen my card in the newsagent’s window!!!! Doesn’t he realise I’d peel and feed him grapes while he reclined and watched the ‘Jerry Springer’ show? Surely he’d prefer my life to tripping the light fantastic on the red carpet with his beautiful co-stars? There is no comparison really!
I’m in the middle of writing the most taxing chapter of my book. It’s very difficult to write because it’s crammed full of s*x. I’m blushing even thinking about it! Let’s just say it’s not a book you could lend your dear old Aunt Jessica , or even your rather strange Uncle Trevor. If only my neighbours knew what I was writing about behind closed curtains.
I watched the film ‘Becoming Jane’ the other evening. It was about the writer Jane Austen, she never married but she did manage to make her living by her pen. I would have loved to have lived in that era.....everyone was so polite. All the men were ‘agreeable’ and the women were frequently ‘diverted’. Yes I think I would have liked to be agreeably diverted by a man like Mr Darcy in his white breeches. No need for Tommy and Kate handbags, you could hide everything in your underskirts. A great place for packed lunches and a flask! The only problem I can see is no shopping T.V. and I can’t possibly give that up.........I am addicted.
Note to Simon Cowell: If you have any sense you will leave the country before the X-Factor auditions begin. My deranged friends Chris and Zoe are entering and I think Zoe may try to allure Simon with her ‘fairy cakes’. (Is it me or does that sound a bit iffy?) Chris is working on a sob story,(no one gets through unless you had a bad childhood etc.) but I fear the only crying will be when he starts to sing. Anyway beware!!!
Now to get busy with my spring cleaning, what I can’t do with a feather duster isn’t worth doing!!
Catch you next time....................
P. D. Scott.
Part 5 - 1st Mar 2010
DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
Mar. 1st 2010- Part five
I am feeling very upbeat today! My screen play is going well, in fact surprise, surprise, I have finished it! I have to check it through for grammar and spelling etc, but as soon as I have printed it off I think I’m going to send it off to the B.B.C. to see what happens. Knowing my luck......nothing will happen. Oh yes I almost forgot, I must be positive. When my screen play is snapped up I will insist on Colin Firth playing the sexy Psychologist. Of course he will be chomping at the bit to be in the exciting new film! You must all come to the Premiere.
I have also started writing another book.......yes I realise I have only just finished the screen play but you have to strike when the iron is hot! You see I had a thunderbolt in bed the other night. No!! Not what you’re thinking, you dirty minded lot. My racing brain is so prolific at the minute that while I was meant to be sleeping I had a mega idea for a new book leaving me unusually exhausted! I’ve decided to pepper the book with lots of sex because apparently sex sells. So my next book will be smuttier, raunchier and very risky. People will have to read it with a brown, plain, dust jacket on it because there will be a public outcry of complaints and general disgust. I’ll have to close the curtains when I write my steamy book, I wouldn’t want the neighbours to see me having a hot flush. I will not be renting any mucky D.V.D.’s out for research! Watch out Jackie Collins!!
I think I might give myself a week off before I start in earnest so I can catch up with my C. Firth movies. I only have 32 to watch........shame. Nobody wants to come to the cinema with me to watch ‘A Single Man’, who can blame them? I wouldn’t want to sit next to me while I’m drooling!
You remember Zoe and Chris (the deranged pair)! They are happily settling into the strange existence of flat-packs and unreasonable landlords. It’s very quiet here without them. I think I’m going to re-decorate their old room and maybe rent it out to actors who have starred in ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ and who are called Colin (that narrows it down slightly). Of course if Colin did move in he would have to agree to watch shopping T.V. with me. We could buy bargains together................I’m just trying to imagine what on earth he would buy from the channels, a multi-way ladder or a memory foam mattress topper, perhaps? I don’t think they’ve started selling Spandex jumpsuits in their menswear section yet!
Valentine’s Day came and went without a single card, pressie or flower. Yet again I was let down by Mr Firth. I hope yours was more successful. Next year I think I will plan a holiday for Feb. 14th and then the lack of loving suitors won’t be so bad. It won’t be in Paris or Venice (the Mecca for all lovers). I think it could be in Jersey, my favourite place in the whole world. We’ll see........I might be too busy going to Premieres, doing book signings with a bag over my head (don’t ask) and all that sort of stuff. I have made a decision to give myself until the end of the year to get my books in print before I give it all up as a bad job. I will then put them in a biscuit tin and bury them in the garden like a ‘Blue Peter’ time capsule. In a hundred years or more an energetic youth or handsome garden designer might dig it up and then for pure novelty value, they will finally get published. Of course this will be too late for me to get recognition because I will be toasting marshmallows in Hades with a cloven hoofed creature. No not Hugh Grant!!!!
I’ll catch you soon............
P.D. Scott.x
Mar. 1st 2010- Part five
I am feeling very upbeat today! My screen play is going well, in fact surprise, surprise, I have finished it! I have to check it through for grammar and spelling etc, but as soon as I have printed it off I think I’m going to send it off to the B.B.C. to see what happens. Knowing my luck......nothing will happen. Oh yes I almost forgot, I must be positive. When my screen play is snapped up I will insist on Colin Firth playing the sexy Psychologist. Of course he will be chomping at the bit to be in the exciting new film! You must all come to the Premiere.
I have also started writing another book.......yes I realise I have only just finished the screen play but you have to strike when the iron is hot! You see I had a thunderbolt in bed the other night. No!! Not what you’re thinking, you dirty minded lot. My racing brain is so prolific at the minute that while I was meant to be sleeping I had a mega idea for a new book leaving me unusually exhausted! I’ve decided to pepper the book with lots of sex because apparently sex sells. So my next book will be smuttier, raunchier and very risky. People will have to read it with a brown, plain, dust jacket on it because there will be a public outcry of complaints and general disgust. I’ll have to close the curtains when I write my steamy book, I wouldn’t want the neighbours to see me having a hot flush. I will not be renting any mucky D.V.D.’s out for research! Watch out Jackie Collins!!
I think I might give myself a week off before I start in earnest so I can catch up with my C. Firth movies. I only have 32 to watch........shame. Nobody wants to come to the cinema with me to watch ‘A Single Man’, who can blame them? I wouldn’t want to sit next to me while I’m drooling!
You remember Zoe and Chris (the deranged pair)! They are happily settling into the strange existence of flat-packs and unreasonable landlords. It’s very quiet here without them. I think I’m going to re-decorate their old room and maybe rent it out to actors who have starred in ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ and who are called Colin (that narrows it down slightly). Of course if Colin did move in he would have to agree to watch shopping T.V. with me. We could buy bargains together................I’m just trying to imagine what on earth he would buy from the channels, a multi-way ladder or a memory foam mattress topper, perhaps? I don’t think they’ve started selling Spandex jumpsuits in their menswear section yet!
Valentine’s Day came and went without a single card, pressie or flower. Yet again I was let down by Mr Firth. I hope yours was more successful. Next year I think I will plan a holiday for Feb. 14th and then the lack of loving suitors won’t be so bad. It won’t be in Paris or Venice (the Mecca for all lovers). I think it could be in Jersey, my favourite place in the whole world. We’ll see........I might be too busy going to Premieres, doing book signings with a bag over my head (don’t ask) and all that sort of stuff. I have made a decision to give myself until the end of the year to get my books in print before I give it all up as a bad job. I will then put them in a biscuit tin and bury them in the garden like a ‘Blue Peter’ time capsule. In a hundred years or more an energetic youth or handsome garden designer might dig it up and then for pure novelty value, they will finally get published. Of course this will be too late for me to get recognition because I will be toasting marshmallows in Hades with a cloven hoofed creature. No not Hugh Grant!!!!
I’ll catch you soon............
P.D. Scott.x
Part 4 - 12th Feb 2010
DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
Feb. 12th 2010- Part four
Sorry for the delay with the blog but as the weather’s been better I have been busy in the garden. If you can imagine a lion tamer complete with whip and chair, then you can only come close to my exploits. I have been taming my bamboo! Yes, it seems to want to populate the world starting with my garden. Not only is it taking over the flower bed but it is sending out runners underneath the lawn. So I think the only possible answer is to buy a pair of Giant Pandas to eat it up!! I do love my bamboo even though it behaves in a crazed manner. Unfortunately my little orange tree didn’t make it through the winter. -R.I.P.
Hoorah! I’ve had some positive feedback concerning my book. I’ve heard from some publishers and they said that my book looks like an entertaining read!!!! So are they going to publish it? No! They don’t accept unsolicited books through the post. Can you believe it they told me to get a literary agent? Honestly, one step forward and sixteen back........I think I’m going to shoot myself. (Don’t fret I only said it for effect, I haven’t got a gun and I’m a coward.) I still have to hear from another two literary agents. Just think right at this moment they might have their heads inside my novel............laughing so much their stomachs hurt or crying from the bad spelling and even worse punctuation!
I have been extremely naughty and I confess I have broken my resolve to keep away from the temptation of shopping T.V. and I have made another purchase! There I have said it... and what’s more, I am not sorry. My deranged friends (Zoe and Chris) are moving into their own place so obviously their life together wouldn’t be successful unless a wok, griddle and frying pan completed the happy scene! I will miss them both so much. I would like to thank them publicly for all their support with my books, thanks too for the laughs and most importantly I’d like to thank them for letting me clear up all their mess!!!! Hey, it’s been a blast.
While I was pottering about in the garden I was excited to see a few little bulbs popping their heads up, suggesting that spring isn’t too far away. This is good news, because I do hate the cold! Girls, I’m sure you’ll agree it can get very tedious when putting on a t-shirt in the winter because I don’t know about you but try as I might I can’t get my n***les to lie down. The little buggers just won’t behave, yes I have even tried sticky tape and plasters but nothing hides them.......roll on summer.
Now for all you singletons out there, or people with forgetful partners. I would like to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day in advance. I am hoping for a card from a certain dishy film star (Colin Firth), but I feel I am destined to be disappointed again by his sheer lack of commitment. Perhaps he doesn’t know my address? Or his beautiful, stunning , wife won’t let him send me one! Oh well, I can dream can’t I?
I was devastated the other day when I was on my laptop. Gone was my favourite wallpaper of Colin Firth and in its place was Hugh Grant! I nearly had a panic attack I can tell you.......... I should have known that my very bad friend Chris had been meddling with it! I was not amused and I made sure he knew about it. I had to have a glass or two of wine to calm me down but you’ll be relieved to know its back to normal now.
I have started to pack for my holiday. (Yes, I realise it isn’t until May 5th but I’m extremely excited.) It’s a pointless task really because I don’t know what size I’m going to be, honestly my waistline goes in and out faster than the Hokey-Kokey! Hopefully I will go to Cyprus pale and interesting and come back like a bronzed goddess or more likely a cooked lobster! I always take my notebook and pen on hols because you never know when you might need to jot something down for a book or screenplay. A frustrated, unpublished, author is never off duty you know. I’m like Poirot. (No, I don’t have a curly moustache!) I just mean my little grey cells never rest.
Well as Bugs Bunny says ‘That’s all Folks!’
P.D. Scott
A Very Frustrated
Unpublished Author.
More to come soon.......................................
Feb. 12th 2010- Part four
Sorry for the delay with the blog but as the weather’s been better I have been busy in the garden. If you can imagine a lion tamer complete with whip and chair, then you can only come close to my exploits. I have been taming my bamboo! Yes, it seems to want to populate the world starting with my garden. Not only is it taking over the flower bed but it is sending out runners underneath the lawn. So I think the only possible answer is to buy a pair of Giant Pandas to eat it up!! I do love my bamboo even though it behaves in a crazed manner. Unfortunately my little orange tree didn’t make it through the winter. -R.I.P.
Hoorah! I’ve had some positive feedback concerning my book. I’ve heard from some publishers and they said that my book looks like an entertaining read!!!! So are they going to publish it? No! They don’t accept unsolicited books through the post. Can you believe it they told me to get a literary agent? Honestly, one step forward and sixteen back........I think I’m going to shoot myself. (Don’t fret I only said it for effect, I haven’t got a gun and I’m a coward.) I still have to hear from another two literary agents. Just think right at this moment they might have their heads inside my novel............laughing so much their stomachs hurt or crying from the bad spelling and even worse punctuation!
I have been extremely naughty and I confess I have broken my resolve to keep away from the temptation of shopping T.V. and I have made another purchase! There I have said it... and what’s more, I am not sorry. My deranged friends (Zoe and Chris) are moving into their own place so obviously their life together wouldn’t be successful unless a wok, griddle and frying pan completed the happy scene! I will miss them both so much. I would like to thank them publicly for all their support with my books, thanks too for the laughs and most importantly I’d like to thank them for letting me clear up all their mess!!!! Hey, it’s been a blast.
While I was pottering about in the garden I was excited to see a few little bulbs popping their heads up, suggesting that spring isn’t too far away. This is good news, because I do hate the cold! Girls, I’m sure you’ll agree it can get very tedious when putting on a t-shirt in the winter because I don’t know about you but try as I might I can’t get my n***les to lie down. The little buggers just won’t behave, yes I have even tried sticky tape and plasters but nothing hides them.......roll on summer.
Now for all you singletons out there, or people with forgetful partners. I would like to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day in advance. I am hoping for a card from a certain dishy film star (Colin Firth), but I feel I am destined to be disappointed again by his sheer lack of commitment. Perhaps he doesn’t know my address? Or his beautiful, stunning , wife won’t let him send me one! Oh well, I can dream can’t I?
I was devastated the other day when I was on my laptop. Gone was my favourite wallpaper of Colin Firth and in its place was Hugh Grant! I nearly had a panic attack I can tell you.......... I should have known that my very bad friend Chris had been meddling with it! I was not amused and I made sure he knew about it. I had to have a glass or two of wine to calm me down but you’ll be relieved to know its back to normal now.
I have started to pack for my holiday. (Yes, I realise it isn’t until May 5th but I’m extremely excited.) It’s a pointless task really because I don’t know what size I’m going to be, honestly my waistline goes in and out faster than the Hokey-Kokey! Hopefully I will go to Cyprus pale and interesting and come back like a bronzed goddess or more likely a cooked lobster! I always take my notebook and pen on hols because you never know when you might need to jot something down for a book or screenplay. A frustrated, unpublished, author is never off duty you know. I’m like Poirot. (No, I don’t have a curly moustache!) I just mean my little grey cells never rest.
Well as Bugs Bunny says ‘That’s all Folks!’
P.D. Scott
A Very Frustrated
Unpublished Author.
More to come soon.......................................
Part 3 - 27th Jan 2010
DIARY OF FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
27th Jan 2010- Part 3
Oh goodness me I have done it!!! No, not got my books published, I have been the naughtiest girl and purchased the D.V.D. ‘Dorian Gray’. I really didn’t intend to, it was beyond my control. I was simply overtaken by some incomprehensible force that turned me from a normal-ish being into a zombie-like beast and before I knew it the D.V.D. was in my shopping trolley. On the plus side I did pay for it with my Sainsbury’s nectar points, so that’s not too bad is it? As soon as the guilt passes I will sit down in front of the T.V. and watch it to my heart’s content, sad person aren’t I?
I am having trouble with my screen play, I’ve got a mental block! I know what I want to happen and I know who says what, but I can’t put it into words. My floor is strewn with crumpled pieces of paper, it would be so easy to chuck the laptop out into the garden in a fit of rage but sanity is controlling me (just). I think I might go out for a walk later until I calm down and then I’ll try again.
I still haven’t bought anything this year from the shopping channels. I’m expecting a phone call from them soon asking if I’m now deceased. (I’m not!)
I have taken the time to put in my ‘Cosmic Order ’(see part 2), so any time now things could start to happen (or not, whatever the case may be). Wouldn’t it be great if sometime soon I walked into a book shop and saw one of my books on the shelf? It would be sooooooooo exciting I’d probably wet myself. Sorry, too much information!! It’s not about the money, although it would be nice to treat the family members from time to time. It certainly isn’t about fame because I wouldn’t want that either, but I would love to know that one of my books made someone smile, even if it was only at how bad it was!!
Now the snow has cleared I have planted my Christmas tree seeds, along with the reindeer poo. Not sure what to do with them, so I think I will leave them to fend for themselves. I don’t know what my cat’s going to make of it when she goes out to check her territory.
My diet is going well..........instead of reaching for the biscuits I reach for last year’s holiday snaps of me frolicking in the waves at Zante. This year I will not be parading along the beach at Pernera with a jelly belly! I spend my whole life on a diet, either before an event or to repair the damage after an event. I guess it has to be done........you never know when a certain film star (Colin Firth) may drop in for coffee. (obsessed moi?) Of course not!
I’m sure you’ll agree I really should get a life.......well I am trying but these literary agents are very elusive indeed! Do literary agents hibernate for the winter? Or are they an endangered species, perhaps they’re mystical beings like fairies and Father Christmas! I think the only possible answer is to win the lottery, go to the vanity publishers and pay to get my books in print myself. Oh look there goes a flying pig!
Minor tremors of excitement have been rippling through the neighbourhood because the cheeky chappies Ant and Dec have been in the area. They have been filming something for their new show, so our little town is soon to be on the T.V.! Wow how thrilling. Pinner must really be a sleepy place to be so excited over something like this (yawn yawn). Only kidding, I think they’re quite funny really. My deranged friend Zoe was most upset when she couldn’t get the time off work to go and stalk them! I think they had a very lucky escape there! I can just imagine how they’d feel if they came across her with her tongue hanging out, drool dripping from her mouth! I often find her ogling my calendar of Colin Firth........I wouldn’t mind so much if she didn’t leave lipstick marks all over it! Don’t get me wrong she’s a lovely girl, but she thinks she’s a fairy!!!
I would also love to tell you about another manic friend of mine, but she has banned me from writing all about her antics. Let’s just say her name is Michelle and she has a major pirate fetish going on and leave it there, shall we?
Oh well I’ve ranted on for long enough.
P.D. Scott
A Very Frustrated
Unpublished
Author.
(On the verge of being published????? Maybe not!)
More to come soon...........................................
27th Jan 2010- Part 3
Oh goodness me I have done it!!! No, not got my books published, I have been the naughtiest girl and purchased the D.V.D. ‘Dorian Gray’. I really didn’t intend to, it was beyond my control. I was simply overtaken by some incomprehensible force that turned me from a normal-ish being into a zombie-like beast and before I knew it the D.V.D. was in my shopping trolley. On the plus side I did pay for it with my Sainsbury’s nectar points, so that’s not too bad is it? As soon as the guilt passes I will sit down in front of the T.V. and watch it to my heart’s content, sad person aren’t I?
I am having trouble with my screen play, I’ve got a mental block! I know what I want to happen and I know who says what, but I can’t put it into words. My floor is strewn with crumpled pieces of paper, it would be so easy to chuck the laptop out into the garden in a fit of rage but sanity is controlling me (just). I think I might go out for a walk later until I calm down and then I’ll try again.
I still haven’t bought anything this year from the shopping channels. I’m expecting a phone call from them soon asking if I’m now deceased. (I’m not!)
I have taken the time to put in my ‘Cosmic Order ’(see part 2), so any time now things could start to happen (or not, whatever the case may be). Wouldn’t it be great if sometime soon I walked into a book shop and saw one of my books on the shelf? It would be sooooooooo exciting I’d probably wet myself. Sorry, too much information!! It’s not about the money, although it would be nice to treat the family members from time to time. It certainly isn’t about fame because I wouldn’t want that either, but I would love to know that one of my books made someone smile, even if it was only at how bad it was!!
Now the snow has cleared I have planted my Christmas tree seeds, along with the reindeer poo. Not sure what to do with them, so I think I will leave them to fend for themselves. I don’t know what my cat’s going to make of it when she goes out to check her territory.
My diet is going well..........instead of reaching for the biscuits I reach for last year’s holiday snaps of me frolicking in the waves at Zante. This year I will not be parading along the beach at Pernera with a jelly belly! I spend my whole life on a diet, either before an event or to repair the damage after an event. I guess it has to be done........you never know when a certain film star (Colin Firth) may drop in for coffee. (obsessed moi?) Of course not!
I’m sure you’ll agree I really should get a life.......well I am trying but these literary agents are very elusive indeed! Do literary agents hibernate for the winter? Or are they an endangered species, perhaps they’re mystical beings like fairies and Father Christmas! I think the only possible answer is to win the lottery, go to the vanity publishers and pay to get my books in print myself. Oh look there goes a flying pig!
Minor tremors of excitement have been rippling through the neighbourhood because the cheeky chappies Ant and Dec have been in the area. They have been filming something for their new show, so our little town is soon to be on the T.V.! Wow how thrilling. Pinner must really be a sleepy place to be so excited over something like this (yawn yawn). Only kidding, I think they’re quite funny really. My deranged friend Zoe was most upset when she couldn’t get the time off work to go and stalk them! I think they had a very lucky escape there! I can just imagine how they’d feel if they came across her with her tongue hanging out, drool dripping from her mouth! I often find her ogling my calendar of Colin Firth........I wouldn’t mind so much if she didn’t leave lipstick marks all over it! Don’t get me wrong she’s a lovely girl, but she thinks she’s a fairy!!!
I would also love to tell you about another manic friend of mine, but she has banned me from writing all about her antics. Let’s just say her name is Michelle and she has a major pirate fetish going on and leave it there, shall we?
Oh well I’ve ranted on for long enough.
P.D. Scott
A Very Frustrated
Unpublished
Author.
(On the verge of being published????? Maybe not!)
More to come soon...........................................
1st Jan 2010
JAN 1st 2010
New year, new decade, new Dr. Who and new me!
I won’t be wasting time making impossible New Year’s resolutions for me to break, just a big goodbye to the noughties and an even bigger hello to 2010!
Yes I can feel it in my waters, this year will be the year when my two rom/com books finally get published. Hollywood will be begging me for the screen play that I am attempting to write and sexy Colin Firth will be hounding me to play a role in my block buster movie!
Yes I admit I live in a fantasy world! So what? I have taken 3 years to write my books and so far no publishers or literary agents have read them.......everyone can’t be that busy!!!
It’s difficult being a writer you know. In the daytime it can be very lonely and at night it’s even worse because it’s hard to sleep when you’re curled up in bed and your head is constantly filled with characters running amok.
I am well aware my books may be crap in fact it’s highly likely, but surely someone could find the time to read them and offer helpful feedback.
Maybe Simon Cowell could do X-Factor the author? Although that may well be a trifle boring, as it wouldn’t make great T.V. watching the judges read a book for an hour would it? Diary of a Frustrated Unpublished Author on ice could be good, or maybe there could be Diary of a Frustrated Unpublished Author -the Musical!! Just stick a couple of songs in it (Abba perhaps) and there you have it! Oh dear I think someone’s already used Abba haven’t they? Oh well never mind.
I am feeling extremely pleased with myself today........no hangover after New Year’s Eve! I stayed in and behaved myself, perhaps I should just as disciplined with my writing:
O.K. new rules to assure success.
1. Don’t take so many coffee and biscuit breaks!
2. Must keep sending out copies of my book even though nobody seems to give a flying fart.
3. Don’t take endless breaks to scan the shopping channels for bargains that will change my life for the ever. Yes I am addicted!
4. Finish screen play A.S.A.P. and pester every film and T.V. company with the script.
5. Don’t take so many Colin Firth film breaks..........not sure about this!!!! I don’t know whether I’m ready yet!
6. Make sure Colin Firth’s agent knows about the thrilling new role that’s soon to be available.
7. Replace negative thoughts with positive mental attitude!
8. Lastly don’t give up because this really could (or should I say will) be the year.
Must go because the kettle’s just boiled, I’ve got a tin of Quality Street with my name on it and ‘ Easy Virtue’s’ on Sky Plus (a really good film with Ben Barnes, Jessica Biel and oh yes England’s national treasure and all round good egg C. Firth.)
More to come next week.................
The ever hopeful
P.D. Scott
(Frustrated Unpublished Author)
New year, new decade, new Dr. Who and new me!
I won’t be wasting time making impossible New Year’s resolutions for me to break, just a big goodbye to the noughties and an even bigger hello to 2010!
Yes I can feel it in my waters, this year will be the year when my two rom/com books finally get published. Hollywood will be begging me for the screen play that I am attempting to write and sexy Colin Firth will be hounding me to play a role in my block buster movie!
Yes I admit I live in a fantasy world! So what? I have taken 3 years to write my books and so far no publishers or literary agents have read them.......everyone can’t be that busy!!!
It’s difficult being a writer you know. In the daytime it can be very lonely and at night it’s even worse because it’s hard to sleep when you’re curled up in bed and your head is constantly filled with characters running amok.
I am well aware my books may be crap in fact it’s highly likely, but surely someone could find the time to read them and offer helpful feedback.
Maybe Simon Cowell could do X-Factor the author? Although that may well be a trifle boring, as it wouldn’t make great T.V. watching the judges read a book for an hour would it? Diary of a Frustrated Unpublished Author on ice could be good, or maybe there could be Diary of a Frustrated Unpublished Author -the Musical!! Just stick a couple of songs in it (Abba perhaps) and there you have it! Oh dear I think someone’s already used Abba haven’t they? Oh well never mind.
I am feeling extremely pleased with myself today........no hangover after New Year’s Eve! I stayed in and behaved myself, perhaps I should just as disciplined with my writing:
O.K. new rules to assure success.
1. Don’t take so many coffee and biscuit breaks!
2. Must keep sending out copies of my book even though nobody seems to give a flying fart.
3. Don’t take endless breaks to scan the shopping channels for bargains that will change my life for the ever. Yes I am addicted!
4. Finish screen play A.S.A.P. and pester every film and T.V. company with the script.
5. Don’t take so many Colin Firth film breaks..........not sure about this!!!! I don’t know whether I’m ready yet!
6. Make sure Colin Firth’s agent knows about the thrilling new role that’s soon to be available.
7. Replace negative thoughts with positive mental attitude!
8. Lastly don’t give up because this really could (or should I say will) be the year.
Must go because the kettle’s just boiled, I’ve got a tin of Quality Street with my name on it and ‘ Easy Virtue’s’ on Sky Plus (a really good film with Ben Barnes, Jessica Biel and oh yes England’s national treasure and all round good egg C. Firth.)
More to come next week.................
The ever hopeful
P.D. Scott
(Frustrated Unpublished Author)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)