Part 8 - 16th April 2010

DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
APRIL 16th 2010- Part eight
Tip of the day- Don’t wear g-strings if you have piles!
Have you seen the new mood changing lipstick? It is supposed to change colour based on your level of hormones. Sheer gloss would mean ‘Men, nothing’s happening you may as well go and paint a wall’. Whereas deep crimson would mean ‘Colin Firth come and get me!!’ Although it would be a good ice-breaker, I think it could be slightly dangerous. What would happen to poor old Doris from the post office? She may have raided her well worn make-up bag and got out her trusty old lipstick from the sixties (crimson). Could she cope with the unwanted attention from young male studs looking for a ‘good time’? Knowing Doris I suppose she could give them a run for their money!
No update to report from the B.B.C. about my thrilling script, still early days I guess. They’ve warned me it could take months! My third novel is going well I’m on page 109, and the ideas are flooding in faster than I can put them down on paper. You wouldn’t so much call it a page-turner ......it’s more of a pulse-throbber!!
Colin Firth this is your final chance to have that life changing experience. The spare room is ready for you! The wardrobe is waiting to be filled with spandex jumpsuits, white breeches and suits by Tom Ford. The shelves are empty...... plenty of room for your Baftas and Oscars (next year’s of course). I have no objections to you walking round the house in a dripping wet shirt (in fact I’d insist on it!) If you don’t pop round I will be tempted to let the room to Prince William, I’m sure he could do with a bolt hole away from the palaces. I realise my lawn isn’t big enough to land a helicopter and my drive isn’t large enough for a fancy limo but there is plenty of room in the garage for a push-bike or two and the house is only 10 minutes away from R.A.F Northolt. You never know ‘Wills’ may get to love shopping T.V. too! As you can see there’s a fine line between reality and fantasy. It doesn’t take much to slip from one into another, especially in my world of creative writing. Reality is sooooo depressing!
My crazy, deranged friends Chris and Zoe have got their audition date for the X-Factor. They have got to be in London on May 1st to sing for the producers. Unfortunately they don’t get to meet the judges at this stage but at least they’re on their way! In the meantime they have to practice their songs.......heaven help the neighbours. Once the howling starts there will probably be a mass exodus from Ruislip Manor!! I’m unsure of the songs they’ve chosen but I feel I must say, guys keep your clothes on and Zoe don’t flaunt your fairy cakes at the producers!
Last Friday I went on a day trip to Hampshire (Jane Austen’s county) with Captain Haddock. On our way down to Hayling Island we made a detour to Grayshott where a certain Mr Colin Firth was born, swoon.... swoon!! It is a typical, quaint, English village just as you’d imagine with a village square and two village greens. I had ‘Fish ‘n’ Chips’ on the sea front because the weather was unexpectedly warm, I burnt the back of my neck........summer is here at last! Just in case you’re wondering about Captain Haddock, he isn’t an old sea-dog friend of the pirate-loving Michelle, who has swept me off my feet. No Captain Haddock is the name of the car. Doesn’t everyone name their car? No? Just me then!!
O.K. I suppose I should get back to writing my novel because you never know when a plague of frogs will come to render me incapable! Anyway after I’ve done a few more pages I want a couple of hours of shopping T.V. (the Sit-up channels) before I turn in tonight!
P.D. Scott. xx