DIARY OF A FRUSTRATED UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR!
Mar. 1st 2010- Part five
I am feeling very upbeat today! My screen play is going well, in fact surprise, surprise, I have finished it! I have to check it through for grammar and spelling etc, but as soon as I have printed it off I think I’m going to send it off to the B.B.C. to see what happens. Knowing my luck......nothing will happen. Oh yes I almost forgot, I must be positive. When my screen play is snapped up I will insist on Colin Firth playing the sexy Psychologist. Of course he will be chomping at the bit to be in the exciting new film! You must all come to the Premiere.
I have also started writing another book.......yes I realise I have only just finished the screen play but you have to strike when the iron is hot! You see I had a thunderbolt in bed the other night. No!! Not what you’re thinking, you dirty minded lot. My racing brain is so prolific at the minute that while I was meant to be sleeping I had a mega idea for a new book leaving me unusually exhausted! I’ve decided to pepper the book with lots of sex because apparently sex sells. So my next book will be smuttier, raunchier and very risky. People will have to read it with a brown, plain, dust jacket on it because there will be a public outcry of complaints and general disgust. I’ll have to close the curtains when I write my steamy book, I wouldn’t want the neighbours to see me having a hot flush. I will not be renting any mucky D.V.D.’s out for research! Watch out Jackie Collins!!
I think I might give myself a week off before I start in earnest so I can catch up with my C. Firth movies. I only have 32 to watch........shame. Nobody wants to come to the cinema with me to watch ‘A Single Man’, who can blame them? I wouldn’t want to sit next to me while I’m drooling!
You remember Zoe and Chris (the deranged pair)! They are happily settling into the strange existence of flat-packs and unreasonable landlords. It’s very quiet here without them. I think I’m going to re-decorate their old room and maybe rent it out to actors who have starred in ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ and who are called Colin (that narrows it down slightly). Of course if Colin did move in he would have to agree to watch shopping T.V. with me. We could buy bargains together................I’m just trying to imagine what on earth he would buy from the channels, a multi-way ladder or a memory foam mattress topper, perhaps? I don’t think they’ve started selling Spandex jumpsuits in their menswear section yet!
Valentine’s Day came and went without a single card, pressie or flower. Yet again I was let down by Mr Firth. I hope yours was more successful. Next year I think I will plan a holiday for Feb. 14th and then the lack of loving suitors won’t be so bad. It won’t be in Paris or Venice (the Mecca for all lovers). I think it could be in Jersey, my favourite place in the whole world. We’ll see........I might be too busy going to Premieres, doing book signings with a bag over my head (don’t ask) and all that sort of stuff. I have made a decision to give myself until the end of the year to get my books in print before I give it all up as a bad job. I will then put them in a biscuit tin and bury them in the garden like a ‘Blue Peter’ time capsule. In a hundred years or more an energetic youth or handsome garden designer might dig it up and then for pure novelty value, they will finally get published. Of course this will be too late for me to get recognition because I will be toasting marshmallows in Hades with a cloven hoofed creature. No not Hugh Grant!!!!
I’ll catch you soon............